


Open

by CrashDevil (cjdevlin19)



Series: Happily Ever Eventually [1]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: F/M, Mistress, Open Marriage, Slow Burn, no wife hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-28
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-08-09 05:55:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 38,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16444130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cjdevlin19/pseuds/CrashDevil
Summary: Reader is an inexperienced actor who begins working on Supernatural. She makes fast friends with J2 and eventually, becomes something more to Jensen.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~“All right. Pizza’ll be here in about 40. Gives us plenty of time to run lines.” Jensen said, opening the bathroom door and walking out… with a towel wrapped around his waist and nothing else. I’m not exactly sure how long I stared, my mouth hanging open a little. “See, this is why we needed to practice.”I cleared my throat and looked away, closing my eyes. “Sorry.”“No. You have to look at me, kid. It’s part of the scene.”I sighed and looked over at him. “I’m not a kid. I have a kid. I’m a woman.”“Then, act like one.” He responded, pointedly.





	1. Newbie

**Author's Note:**

> This is pretty much a self-indulgent piece. Reader is a short, divorced mother in her late twenties who was an actress in high school but hasn’t acted since then. (Wow, I really stretched my creative muscles for this one). Regardless of it being self-indulgent (and the fact that I’ve never posted a RPF) I think it’s good enough to share. The season 13 she’s working on is not the season 13 that actually happened, I just made some shit up. *THERE IS NO WIFE-HATE HERE! I <3 Danneel Ackles.*

I wasn’t expecting anything to come out of it when I sent in a video to the casting director at the CW. As someone who had done approximately zero acting since I got out of high school, who had never acted on camera and whose biggest stage accomplishment was being a damn compelling Nurse in  _Romeo and Juliet_ , I was not expecting anything. Well, except rejection. I was expecting rejection, a small background part if I was lucky. What I was not expecting was to be sent a five-episode contract to play a witch with a  _name_ on my favorite TV show. Apparently, they like my ‘everyman’ look.

I wasn’t happy to leave my family, especially my daughter, Nova, but it was a once in a lifetime opportunity so I flew from Panama City, Florida to Vancouver, BC and started to get the lay of the land. They were patient with me, and kind, and luckily the first several scenes I had to shoot were solo scenes or with other no-name actors so it wasn’t so nerve-wracking to learn. I was getting okay with the hair and makeup, the light and camera and cues, the multiple takes of the same three sentences.

I was finally getting comfortable on set when I stumbled into the Makeup trailer to see Jensen Ackles already in the seat. My first thought was to flee, run back to the Wardrobe trailer or go sit in my rental car, but I immediately talked myself into staying because I didn’t know how long Jensen was going to be in the chair and I had a stage call in an hour. So, I sat down in the second chair and pulled out my phone to distract myself as Jennifer, the stylist, started on my hair.

“You must be our new witch.” I froze, eyes on my phone but unseeing the screen, as I realized that Jensen’s melodic voice was speaking to me. “I’m Jensen.”

***Duh!***  “I know that.” I whispered, before clearing my throat and looking over, as much as I could with Jennifer’s hands in my hair. “I’m y/n. Big fan.”

“Yeah?”

I swallowed, nervously. “Yep. Used to watch Days with my mom but I think I became a real fan with Smart Alec on Dark Angel.”  ***I’m talking to Jensen Ackles!***  The fangirl in me (who is actually just me) screamed.

“That feels like a million years ago. That show was badass, though. Fox shoulda kept it longer.”

“Agreed.” I answered. My heart was pounding by this pointing, but I pulled on my acting chops to hide it.

“So, fan of mine, have you seen much of the show, or are we gonna have to give you context for scenes?” He teased.

I relaxed a little as I realized he was teasing me, getting comfortable with  _me_. “Might’ve been a fan of you longer, but I love the show. Seen almost every episode.”

“ _Almost_ every episode? What kinda fan are you?”

“Don’t question my nerd cred, sir. I’m a fan, big time. I even went to a Creation Con late last year, just to see you guys up close.”

He chuckled at that. “Yeah? Gold?”

“Silver. I was working retail, at the time. Couldn’t reconcile dropping $1000 on a vacation.”

“Oh, so we met in the autograph line.”

“Yep.” I answered simply, remembering how I’d fallen to my knees after I left his line of sight, so overwhelmed that I couldn’t stand it, literally.

“What’d I sign for you?”

“A hat.” I focused on the mirror, instead of trying to look at Jensen. “A white hat with a devil’s trap in the middle and SW and DW on opposite sides.”

“Which con was this?”

“Atlanta.”

There was a moment of silence as Trisha moved around him with a makeup brush and Jennifer pulled on my hair. “Oh, I remember. I tried to sign Jared’s side, but you wouldn’t let me.”

I turned my head again as Jennifer got a curling iron. “You were doing it on purpose? I thought you were just tired and not paying attention.” Jennifer came around and grabbed a chunk of my hair.

“Nah, I was exhausted in Atlanta, but you looked mortified. I was trying to make you laugh.” He chuckled again. “You seem a lot more put together now.”

I would’ve shaken my head, but Jennifer had a good hold of my hair, so I couldn’t. “I’m mortified now, too, but I saw you and Jared were gonna be on Lot today, so I took an Ativan before I got in the car this morning.”

“Well, that’s good. Take a double dose tomorrow.” Jensen said as Trisha pulled the cloth protecting his clothes and he stood.

“What? Why?”

He chuckled as he stepped down the stairs of the trailer. “You’ll see when you get tomorrow’s pages.” He said, stepping out the door.

“What does that mean? Jennifer? Do you know what he was talking about?”

“Nah. I’m sure it’s just a scene with him, you know? All the ladies get nervous when they have a scene with Jensen.”

I bit my lip. “Had to have scenes with him, eventually, right?”

Jennifer went through the motions of giving my hair volume and body, just to put it in its ponytail. They put a lot of effort into making me look plain. They loved that I was normal-looking. I’m not sexy, but I’m not ugly, either. They thought I’d be someone that the audience could see themselves in. I moved over to Trisha’s chair and she spent a half an hour putting makeup on me to make it look like I wasn’t wearing much makeup. When they were done with me, I headed for the set. A PA handed me my pages and I asked for tomorrow’s pages, too.

I pulled out my phone and dialed my best friend’s number as soon as I’d read through them. “So, tomorrow’s the day that they realize that they should’ve hired a professional and they decide to find someone else to play Tara.”

“What? Why?”

“Because tomorrow is my first scene with Jensen Ackles.”

“Okay? You mentally prepared for this. You’re not gonna freeze.”

“Yeah, but it gets better. My first scene with Jensen, Dean is in nothing but a towel the whole conversation, which means Jensen is gonna be in nothing but a towel and teeny-tiny shorts the whole time. I can’t deal with that. I can barely breathe around the man.”

“You can and you will. You’re living the dream here, sweetie. You’re gonna take your medicine and be fine. You’ve got this.”

I nodded and took a deep breath. “Thanks for the boost. Okay. I’ve got to get back.”

I finished up my scene easily, only five takes of the scene of my character instructing a group of teen witches. I didn’t have a trailer, so I sat between scenes in Craft Services, drinking coffee and generally trying to stay warm and out of the way.

“So, I asked Dabb where we got you from and he said it was an open cast. You sent a video in, but you’ve never done  _anything_ else. You don’t even have an agent.” I looked up from my cup, eyes wide, as Jensen sat down across from me. “So, you just decided to become an actor in your twenties?”

I bit my lip and sighed, before leaning forward. “No. I decided to become an actor in high school. I, then, graduated from high school and decided that it was a stupid dream and I’d never make any headway, so I gave up on it and got a real job.”

“Retail. So, where are you from, y/n?” He took a drink of his own coffee.

“Northwest Florida. Little town about 15 miles from the state line.”

“North Florida. I spent a couple Spring Breaks at PCB, when I was… younger and unmarried.”

I chuckled, imagining him at Spring Break. “Panama City is about an hour and a half away from home.”

“So, you acted in high school, huh?” Jensen asked.

“Yeah. School plays, Thespians, Forensics competitions, that kinda thing.” I responded, nodding.

“You did Forensics? I won Nationals with my friend Chris in high school.” Jared dropped into the seat next to Jensen, who handed him a coffee cup I hadn’t noticed.

“I did monos. Got second in State, but didn’t make Nationals.”

“I did monos, duos and extemp, but I only placed in Duo. Jared.” He said, offering his hand to me.

I took it and shook it a couple times. “Y/n. It’s amazing to meet you.”

“Oh,  _he_ gets an 'amazing to meet you’? I didn’t even get a handshake.” Jensen teasingly complained.

“Well, maybe I’m just more approachable, dude.” Jared shifted the chair so that he was sitting in it backward and looking at both of us simultaneously.

“You? Giant muscley gym-bro?” Jensen shot back.

“Honestly, I’m five-three, so you’re both giants to me.” I joked.

“So, y/n, how long did they sign you for?” Jared asked.

“Five episodes, to start. They’ll give me more or not depending on fan response. They’ll probably hate me, though, so I’ll be gone by midseason Hellatus.”

“Why would they hate you? It’s not like your character is a love interest.” Jared asked. “Wait, Tara’s not a love interest, is she?”

“Andrew said the writers are at an impasse on that one. No, the fans will hate her for one simple reason. Jealousy.” Jensen answered. “She’s a fan. Some of 'em probably know her from, like, cons and shit. They’re gonna be jealous that she’s here and they aren’t.”

“Yeah. I’ve kinda tried to keep a lid on this from the fan groups. Haven’t told anybody except the family and my best friends about it. Unfortunately, had to stop posting in my Facebook groups when I got the job.”

Jared chuckled. “Man, you  _seem_ like a reasonable woman, so don’t be offended when I say, some of our fans are crazy. You’re better off staying away from the fan sites.”

I smiled. “No, I know how crazy some of us can be. I’ve had some fights online with the tin-hat folks.”

Jensen and Jared both grimaced at the mention of them. “What is wrong with those people?” Jared asked.

“They just…  _really_ want you two to be gay for each other.” I answered, laughing.

“Yeah. So, uh, you get tomorrow’s pages, yet?” Jensen asked, a smirk gracing his lips. I could feel myself blush and took the opportunity to drink down some coffee. “Yeah, she did. You gonna be okay? You’re not gonna freak out, are you?”

“I will… try my best… to not freak out.”

“You look like you’re already freaking out.” Jared commented.

I took a deep breath. “Totally. I am  _totally_ freaking out about tomorrow’s scene.”

J2 both laughed. “How about we run lines later? I’ve got a chunk of time around 6. We could grab some dinner, meet up at my trailer and get the nerves out of the way.” Jensen offered.

“That… sounds amazing.” I whispered, immediately realizing how bad that sounded. “I mean, it sounds amazing to get the nerves out of the-”

The men stood and smiled down at me. “6 o'clock. Don’t be late.” Jensen demanded.

“What am I gonna do? Go back to my motel to watch one of the 10 channels that actually come through clearly?”

“They’ve got you in that Budget Inn, don’t they?” Jared asked, knowingly.

“Yeah. It’s not so bad. Gotta sleep in the tub to avoid the bed bugs, but it’s cool. Livin’ the dream.” I joked.

They laughed as they walked toward the stage and I freaked out. This was ridiculous. Today, I met the two of them. Tonight, I’m gonna be hanging in Jensen’s trailer running lines. 'Living the dream’ was an absolute understatement. 

I napped in the rental car for a few hours, then went back to watch them complete their scene at about 5:30. They were finishing up an intense scene in the library of the bunker, the clicker saying it was their fourth attempt at getting through it. I watched for a while, through three more takes of the scene, before Phil called 'cut’ and everyone dispersed. Jensen stepped off the stage and smiled down at me. “Well, hello, Newbie. I’m thinkin’ pizza. You good with pizza?”

“Yeah. Pizza’s fine.”

He started walking away toward the trailer lot and I had to rush to keep up with his long bowed legs. “Any dietary restrictions? Lactose, gluten, vegan?”

“It’s not a pizza without cheese and meats and…” I chuckled. “I’m a Southern girl. We don’t deal with crazy… gluten-free, meat-free, paleo-vegan… blah, blah, blah.”

“I thought you were from Florida. Not really 'Southern’.”

“And I thought you’d been to North Florida. You should know that Northwest Florida is pretty much UCLA: Upper Corner, Lower Alabama.” He laughed, which was amazing. “That’s not my joke.” I admitted, with a chuckle.

“That was pretty funny, anyway. So, pepperoni?”

“Look at me. Do I look like I’ve ever turned down free food? Well, except lasagna, but I’ve got a… thing with lasagna.”

Jensen turned and looked at me with confusion. “What do you mean, you’ve got a  _thing_ with lasagna?”

“There was a thing with some really bad microwave lasagna, when I was about 7. Couldn’t eat it for years, now I can only eat it if  _I_ make it.”

“Wow. Okay. Do not order lasagna. Check.” Jensen said, turning back around and heading for his trailer. He pulled his phone out as he stepped up into the trailer. He ordered pizza as he disappeared into the bathroom. I sat on the edge of a small couch, near a fireplace and a large TV. “All right. Pizza’ll be here in about 40. Gives us plenty of time to run lines.” Jensen said, opening the bathroom door and walking out… with a towel wrapped around his waist and nothing else. I’m not exactly sure how long I stared, my mouth hanging open a little. “See, this is why we needed to practice.”

I cleared my throat and looked away, closing my eyes. “Sorry.”

“No. You  _have_ to look at me, kid. It’s part of the scene.”

I sighed and looked over at him. “I’m not a kid. I  _have_ a kid. I’m a woman.”

“Then, act like one.” He responded, pointedly.

I cleared my throat and leaned forward. “Please, do keep both hands on the towel, Winchester. One never knows where you hunters have hidden weapons.”

“Tara.” He said, dropping his voice into Dean Winchester gravel. “What do you want?”

“World peace, a condo in Malibu, and a little  _respect_  would be nice. I mean, I did save your asses in Chicago.”

“Yeah, that’s not how I remember it.”

I laughed, standing. “Of course not. You can’t possibly admit that a witch helped you. I mean, a witch other than Rowena Macleod.”

“Yeah, your mentor. Explain, again, why I’m supposed to trust you’re a white witch?”

“She wasn’t my mentor. She wasn’t  _allowed_ to be. Olivette wouldn’t let me. Shit! 'Olivette wouldn’t let  _her_.’” I corrected myself, but pulled out my pages anyway and flipped to the second page. “'Olivette wouldn’t let her. We had to train in secret, but that doesn’t mean I carry her ideals.’” I read off, quickly.

Jensen smiled. “Calm down. Better to fuck up here, than out there on camera. 'Cause they  _will_ put your fuck-ups on the blooper reel. All right. From the top.”

I sat back down and took a breath. “Please, do keep both hands on the towel, Winchester. One never knows where you hunters have hidden weapons.”

“Tara. What do you want?”

“World peace, a condo in Malibu, and a little  _respect_ would be nice. I mean, I did save your asses in Chicago.”

“Yeah, that ain’t how I remember it.”

I laughed, again, and stood. “Of course not. You can’t possibly admit that a witch helped you. I mean, a witch other than Rowena Macleod.”

“Yeah, your mentor. Explain, again, why I’m supposed to trust you’re a white witch?”

“She wasn’t my mentor. She wasn’t  _allowed_ to be. Olivette wouldn’t let her. We had to train in secret, but that doesn’t mean I carry her ideals. Rowena was mad for money, for power. I just wanted control… of my own life.”

“Well, welcome to the club, sister.”

I sighed, dramatically. “Whatever, Dean. Don’t trust me. Don’t like me. I don’t care. I have some information you might be interested in, but if you don’t want to trust me, then…” I turned, pretending to step away.

“Wait.” I stopped. “What information?”

I turned around, with a smile, as Jensen adjusted the towel higher on his hips. “Shtriga. You’ve gone against one before, right?”

“Yeah. Long,  _long_ time ago.”

I pretended to pull a file out of a messenger bag and placed it on the counter. “Children falling into comas in Portland, Oregon. Sounds like a shtriga to me, but I’m not the hunter.”

“We’ll look into it.”

“Okay.” I sighed and stepped back. “How’d I do?”

Jensen smiled, then dropped the towel to reveal a pair of long golf shorts. “You did great. You gonna be able to keep your focus in front of the cameras?”

“Well, if I could manage to not drool all over myself staring at you when it’s just the two of us, I think I can keep my shit together in front of Phil and everyone else.”

“Ah, so you’re one of  _those_ fans.”

I scoffed. “Oh, come on. You know how sexy you are.” I grimaced, immediately. “That was  _not_ what I intended to say.”

“Can’t take it back, now.” He said, with a chuckle.

“Oh, how I wish I could. Okay, so have they told you anything at all, about the Chicago episode, 'cause I have no clue what’s going on there. They haven’t prepped me on that.”

“Right. I’ve got a first draft script around here, somewhere.” Jensen said, turning to look through a bunch of papers on the counter. When he found the script for the episode, which was the episode my character actually met the Winchesters, he sat next to me on the couch and we read through it, together. By the time the pizza showed, I was nervous about the fact that Tara spent a big chunk of the episode flirting with Dean. My self-esteem, and the fact that the writers insisted on Tara being plain, told me that Dean couldn’t possibly be receptive, but… as Jensen got the pizza, I noticed a line in the final Dean and Sam breakdown. The writers were definitely leaving it open for Tara to be a Dean love-interest, because Dean thinks she’s “kinda hot, in a Khloe Kardashian circa 2007 kinda way”.

We ate pizza and I pointed out the line, which Jensen didn’t seem to understand. “That’s when she was the fat Kardashian. She was still hot, 'cause she knows how to make herself look good, but she was, you know, not considered the pretty one.”

“Oh, a chick likes to eat, so she’s not hot? Never understand that.”

“Me, either.” I said, taking a bite of pizza. 


	2. Baby Girl

“So, you finally met the ones you’re obsessed with, huh?” I could hear my mother’s smile through the phone.

I rolled my eyes. “I’m not obs-”

“You can’t tell me you’re not obsessed when I know you’ve spent hours watching them talk on YouTube at those cons and maybe just as long watching Dean sing.”

“It’s  _Jensen_ , Mom, and he’s got an amazing voice so I- can I talk to my Supernova, please?” I got flustered.

“Oh, and let’s not forget how you almost passed out at your con because he spoke to you in the autograph line.”

“Put Nova on the phone!” I love my mom, but she has an almost pathological need to tease me.

“Hi, Mom.” Nova’s tiny voice came through my speaker as I munched on my breakfast of cold pizza.

“Hey, baby. How was your weekend with Daddy?”

“It was good.”

“What’d you do?”

“Uh, we played  _‘Slime Rancher_ ’ and we drawed pictures-”

“'Drew’.” I corrected, softly.

“We drew pictures and I wrote you a letter and Dad asked me about your new job, so I told him all about it.”

I closed my eyes in frustration. I was purposely vague about it when I told my ex-husband I was going to Canada for work and Nova would be staying with my parents. Of course, he’d wheedle more information out of our daughter. “And what did he say?”

“He was real happy for you and he said maybe he’ll get to stop paying support if you get famous.”

I had to bite back an angry growl. “Well, next time Daddy brings up support, tell him to call me, 'cause he’s not supposed to bring you into our issues, okay? Just ignore that, baby.”

“Okay, Mom. I gotta go finish my breakfast. Should I give the phone to Grandma?”

“No, sweetie. I’ll try to call tonight. You have a good day at school, huh?”

“I will. I love you.”

“Love you, too.” I hung up and buried my face in my hands, screaming into my palms.  ***Okay. Don’t think about that douchebag. Think about the dream job. Think about the dreamy guy whose chest you get to look at all day today. Think about not losing your shit over that chest.***

I was nursing a headache by the time I got to work. Thinking about Nate, dealing with him even from three thousand miles away through the buffer of our daughter, always gives me headaches.

Jared was in the Wardrobe trailer when I walked in rubbing at my temples. He turned to me, smoothing out the front of a flannel shirt that I’m totally gonna steal when Tara gets kill off the show. “Hey, y/n. You okay?”

I nodded. “Just an ex-husband induced stress headache. No big deal.”

“You’re too young to be divorced.” Jared’s eyebrows shot up.

“Hey, don’t judge me. Not all of us get lucky with our spouses like you and Jensen and I’d appreciate you not flaunting your perfect marriage.” I teased as I grabbed Tara’s purple peasant blouse from the rack. I pulled myself away from the desire to badmouth my ex. Bitter people do that and I am  _not_ bitter, anymore.

Well, I’m  _less_ bitter. Nonetheless, I try to high-road in my life, and I lay the blame where it belongs: on both of us. “No, we, uh, got married way too young, that’s all. The only good thing that came from it was my daughter, Nova.”

“Yeah. How old is she? And you  _know_ I have to see pictures.”

“Are you sure you wanna open that can of worms? 'cause I’m a mama with a smart phone and I use it for Facebook and photos and almost nothing else. You wanna see a hundred pictures of my six year old playing 'Mad Scientist’ complete with lab coat, 'cause we watched  _Young Frankenstein_ and she wanted to bring her giant teddy bear to life with an Abby Normal brain? I got that.” I started flipping through my Nova pictures, turning the phone so he could see. “This is last Halloween. We went as Marvel heroes. I made her Black Widow costume from scratch, down to the stingers on her wrists. LED lights. It was a bitch, but she loves them. She still plays with them. This year we’re doing Harry Potter characters and I’m gonna figure out how to turn this tiny little girl into a bushy-bearded half-giant man because Hagrid’s her favorite and I will find a way.”

“She’s adorable.”

I smiled. “Yeah, she is. Thanks.”

“You feel better?” Jared asked, smiling.

I nodded. “Yeah. Much better. Guess I just needed to focus on the good. Thank you.”

“I know how bad it can get when you let the stress overwhelm you. Let me know if you need help again, okay?”

I scoffed, happily. “You are a ridiculously awesome human being, you know that?” I could see him turning pink as he opened his mouth to argue so I cut him off. “And before you go all Bashful Buzzard with the 'Aw shucks’ and the 'no nope nope’s, I’m just saying that you don’t  _have_ to be nice to me so I really appreciate it. You know, as someone who’s three thousand miles from home and a million miles outside of my comfort zone… thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” He said, before his eyebrows tucked together. “Wait. 'Bashful Buzzard’?”

“I used to watch a lot of old cartoons. It was an old Tex Avery cartoon, maybe an early Looney Tunes. It was this dumb, shy turkey vulture who was very bad at getting food… you know, I think I remember Bugs Bunny fuckin’ with him, so it was probably Looney Tunes.” I bit my lip and nodded. “Yup. I have to look that up now.” I pulled up Google on my phone and searching for 'Bashful Buzzard’. “Yeah, Looney Tunes. Beaky Buzzard, 1942.”

Jared laughed. “That’s such a random thing to remember.”

“I am  _full_ of useless information, Mr. Padalecki.”

Jared headed for the trailer door. “Well, I’m looking forward to seeing your scene with Jensen. There’s a pool on how long you can keep your cool before you freak out. I’ve put good money on five minutes.”

I rolled my eyes. “That’s encouraging.”

“It should be. Briana’s first scene with Jay, Misha won the pool at 2 minutes.” Jared chuckled as he walked out. I was left wondering what Misha put  _me_ at.

I got dressed and got my makeup and hair done and headed to set. There were a lot more people around the director’s chair this time; people who’d bet on my outcome, I guessed. Or maybe it was just because it was my first scene outside of the Second Unit shooting so it seemed like that. Phil Sgriccia went over the blocking with me, made sure I knew exactly where to look and when and then the prop master came over and gave me a black messenger bag and showed me the file folder inside with several pictures of kids in hospital beds and printouts from fake online news sites. I was confident in my ability to make it through the scene… and then Jensen walked on set.

The towel they gave him was smaller than the one he’d wrapped around his waist in his trailer and they’d spritzed him with water to make it seem like he’d just stepped out of a shower. I bit my tongue and took a deep breath, determined not to watch the drops of water cascading from his collarbone to his navel. Jensen winked at me as he walked to the bathroom side of the set. I tried to fight the shiver that went through me but I failed.

Amazingly, once the cameras started rolling, I was able to stay professional. I went through that scene three times and I never wavered, never broke character and I kept my eyes on Jensen’s face even though I really wanted to look at his literally glistening chest.

Before take four, Phil came up to me. “Okay, that was really good, y/n, but this time I want you to try it just a little different.”

“Okay.”

“Tara is  _obviously_ attracted to Dean, right?” I nodded. “So, she wouldn’t spend the whole conversation staring at his  _face_ , would she? So, this time I want you to kinda… eye-fuck him.”

I blinked at the director. “What?”

“I want you to look at him like you want to sleep with him. Ogle him.”

“Are you kidding me? This is some 'haze the new girl’ shit, right?” Phil shook his head as the crew around the set snickered and giggled. “I have spent the last hour trying not to drool all over Jensen, now you’re telling me I have to?!”

“I think that’s the best way to get this scene right.”

“You’ve got money in the pool, don’t you?” I whispered. Phil just smiled and walked back to his chair.

This time around, I let my eyes travel down his body once I’d stood from the bed. I don’t remember licking my lips but apparently, I did… before moving on with the scene. “Of course not. You can’t possibly admit that a witch helped you. I mean, a witch other than Rowena Macleod.”

Jensen looked mildly surprised that I was able to keep working while focusing on his godlike attractiveness. “Yeah, your mentor. Explain, again, why I’m supposed to trust you’re a white witch?”

I rolled my eyes, looking at his face before letting my eyes drop to his navel, where Jensen had allowed the towel to slip further. “She wasn’t my mentor. She wasn’t  _allowed_ to be. Olivette wouldn’t let her. We had to train in secret, but that doesn’t mean I carry her ideals. Rowena was mad for money, for power. I just wanted control… of my own life.”

“Well, welcome to the club, sister.” Jensen pulled the towel up and I smiled before continuing the scene. It almost made it easier to deal with when I was able to let my eyes do what was natural.

When we got to the end of the scene, where I’d normally just walk away after he said he’ll look into it, I took the opportunity to improvise before turning to leave. I ran my hand down the front of him, my skin hovering over his, careful not to touch him. “I just don’t understand why you cover this up in all those layers of plaid and denim.” I smiled and wagged my eyebrows at him as I tapped the fingers of my other hand against the folder on the little round table. “Call me if you kill the witch.” I turned and started for the door.

“I, uh… I don’t-I don’t have your number.” Jensen went along with my improv.

“It’s in the folder.” I said, wrenching open the door and stepping through.

“Cut!” Phil jumped up. “You’re ad-libbing, already, huh?”

“Well, I just figured… Tara wants to get in bed with Dean, so she wouldn’t pass up an opportunity to… flirt?” I faltered at the end of my sentence, faced with the director and how he may not have liked my improvisation.

“You’re right. She wouldn’t. Good job.” He looked back at the AD then back to me. “Don’t go anywhere. We might have to run it again. Grab a doughnut, have a seat.”

I felt proud as I sat in a small metal folding chair next to the coffee cart. I did it. I made it through the scene without succumbing to Jensen Ackles’ hotness. Jensen walked over about ten minutes later and handed me a wad of Canadian bills. He was still shirtless, with the towel tucked around him. “You won the pool.”

“I didn’t enter the pool.”

“Yeah, but you surpassed everyone’s expectations, so I lobbied for you to get the cash.”

I rifled through the cash before tucking it into my back pocket. “So, what’d you have me down for?”

“Not  _rolling_ with it.” He smirked. “I had you down for twenty, 'cause we practiced yesterday. I really thought you were gonna lose it when Phil told you to eye-fuck me, but… you did an amazing job.”

I smiled and I could feel my cheeks heat up. “Thanks. Can you put a shirt on while they go over the footage?”

“Distracting you?” He smirked.

“Yes. Yes, you are. It’s not like I haven’t been looking at those things for an hour, already.” I gestured at his pecs.

“You like it.” He teased with a smile. “Hey, Jared and I are gonna get a drink after we wrap tonight. You should come.”

“Um, okay. Yeah. I don’t have much else to do.”

“First round’s on you, kid. Since you’re suddenly flush.” He started to walk away.

“Says the Texas millionaire with his own brewery.” I called after him.

“And if we were in Texas, I’d buy the first round at my own brewery, but we’re not.” He called back.

“And I’m not a kid, old man!” I insisted.

“Whatever you say, Baby Girl.”

I blushed at that. I really wanted to joke about not calling me 'Baby Girl’ unless I can call him 'Daddy’ but I decided it was a bit early in our friendship for those kinds of jokes and he was halfway across the sound stage talking to Jared by the time my brain had processed the interaction.

Phil made us go through the scene one more time, because he wanted a better shot of Dean reacting to Tara’s comment and he wanted a shot of Dean checking the folder for Tara’s number, which I had to write in across one of the news printouts. But after that, I was done for the day. I gave Tara’s clothes back to Wardrobe, gave her bag back to the Props Master, and was halfway back to my rental car before I realized that Jensen asked me for drinks and I had no way to contact him to find out when or where.

“Hey. You want my number.” Jensen said, when I found him walking out of his trailer.

I laughed. “You know, when I met Speight at that bar in Atlanta, that’s almost exactly what he said to me, sub 'number’ for 'picture’.”

“You met Rich in a bar?”

I nodded. “Yep, and Rob. They were doing an interview with somebody about  _Kings of Con_ , right before the Atlanta Con. I heard they were gonna be there, so I walked two and a half miles to see if maybe I could meet them.”

Jensen smiled like he thought it was adorable. “I wish I had time for this story but they’ve gotta throw me and my stunt double through a window. Tell me tonight?”

“Yeah. Uh, you… you want my number or-”

“Let’s just trade phones, put our numbers in each others’.”

“Uh…” I looked down at my phone. “Give me a minute to change the background to a picture that’s  _not_ you and then I’ll hand it over.”

“I already know you’re in love with me. Just give me your phone.” He demanded, amused, while offering his. I unlocked my phone and traded with him, putting my name and number in. When I looked back up at him, he was obviously taking a selfie with my phone. “There you go. That’s a better background.” He winked and handed my cell back. I smirked when I saw his smiling selfie had replaced my Season 10 promo photo background.

“Definitely better.”

“Go take a nap. We’re gonna be pretty late here, so rest up. I’ll text you when we get done.”

“Text me ahead of time. Give me a good amount of time to prep. It’s gonna take hours to make myself presentable enough to go out on the town with the two of y'all.”

“Oh, shut up, you’re gorgeous just the way you are.” He walked away at that, oblivious to the way my mouth was hung open in shock.

***He’s such a good man. Won’t even let me talk shit about myself.***  I thought as I walked back to the rental car, staring at the new picture in my background.

~~~~~~

“I’ve just realized that I hate all of my clothes.” I was staring at every piece of clothing I’d brought with me to Vancouver, hanging in the tiny doorless wardrobe in my motel room.

“No, you don’t.” My best friend, Connie, said through the speakerphone of my cell. “You did a fashion show before you went up there, and we made sure that everything you brought with you looked amazing on you.”

“Yeah, but that was when I was expecting to, like, go out after work and meet random Canadian guys in bars, not go out after work with J2, which… seriously? Is this real life?”

“It  _is_ real life, sweetie. Don’t forget to touch the butt.” Connie had been making that joke since Nate left me. Any time I was around a handsome man, she’d tell me to touch the butt.

“I’m  _not_ going to touch the butt. Come on. They’re married… and I’m  _me_.” I pulled a hanger with a t-shirt out of the wardrobe and looked at it with disdain. “ _And_ I’m not going to touch anyone without being invited to. You know that. Also-”

“Oh, my god, shut up! Pick an outfit, do your makeup pretty, have fun tonight and if you have an opportunity to touch the butts, touch 'em.”

“Yeah, that’s what I need in my life, to get fired for sexually assaulting the talent. You shut up. I’m not touching any butts.” I put the shirt back and pulled out a berry purple dress with a V-neck and long lace sleeves. “You think a dress is too dressy?”

“You really want me to answer that?”

“If I put it with some black leggings and my black combat booties?” I was mostly talking to myself at this point.

“Sounds good.” Connie answered, anyway. “And you should totally curl your hair.”

“I’m gonna straighten it. It looks better straight and not, like, you know, like I’m trying too hard.”

“Well, I’m gonna let you go get ready for your date, okay?”

“It’s not a date. You can’t date married men and definitely not two of them.”

“I disagree.”

“It’s just drinks with two new friends.”

“Famous, super-hot new friends who you’ve masturbated to.”

My eyes widened and I set the dress on the bathroom counter. “Holy shit, Connie, shut up! I work with these guys now, you can’t say things like that!”

“Well, you should’ve thought about that before you put your hand down-”

“Goodbye, Connie!”

“I love you, sis!” She yelled as I hung up on her.

I took a minute to sit on the edge of the tub and collect myself. Of course Connie had to go to a sexual place. Always. Gonna have to make sure she never talks to the media about my level of fan obsession.

By the time Jensen texted me, my stomach was in knots, but I’d managed to make my hair and makeup look good.  ** _Black Bear Pub. 1177 Lynn Valley Road. We’re going to be there in 20 mins._**

I chuckled.  ** _Not giving me much time to get ready, Mr. Ackles._**

**_Get there._ **

I triple checked myself in the mirror before leaving and I checked myself in the car window before heading into the pub. Jared, Jensen and Misha were in the corner booth, laughing, when I walked in. I smiled and walked over to them, setting my purse on the table but not taking a seat because the open seat was next to Misha and I hadn’t met him, yet.

“You must be y/n.” Misha smiled up at me.

“Yep. That’s me.” I offered my hand, which he took.

“Sit down. How are you doing? How are you liking working on the show?” Misha greeted, gesturing at the open area next to him.

I smiled at them all as I sat down. “I am loving it. This is the job I dreamed of having when I was sixteen. Also, you know, my whole life since then.”

“Jensen told me that you’re a fan?” Misha took a sip of his drink and I laughed.

“Oh, uh, he’s exaggerating.”

“Uh-huh. Her first words to me were 'y/n, I’m a big fan’ and then we had a conversation about how big a nerd she is for the show. She’s been to the cons, she argues about us on the fan pages…” Jensen argued, taking a drink of his beer.

“Fine. I am a huge fan of Supernatural. I am a huge fan of all of you. Hell, Jared’s the only reason I watched  _Gilmore Girls._ ”

“So, you were gonna tell me a story about Richard and Rob in a bar in Atlanta.” Jensen reached over and grabbed the drink menu, setting it on the table in front of me.

I opened it, perusing the drinks while I started to tell the story. “Well, I was driving up to Atlanta for the con and I got a Facebook notification from one of the groups I follow that basically said that Rob and Rich were gonna be at this arcade bar that night to do an interview about  _Kings of Con_. So, I was faced with the options of going to registration and getting my wristband early or going to this bar in the bad part of Atlanta and maybe meeting them. It was a two and a half mile walk whichever I chose so I figured I’d go to the bar.”

“You  _walked_?” Jared asked, shocked.

“Yeah. There’s too many one-way streets and not enough free parking in Atlanta. I was a bit worried 'cause I’m small but I kinda approached it like… like a hunter would. I acted like I belonged there and I had a knife in my pocket. I’m sure the people I passed in downtown Atlanta didn’t look at me and see a small-town girl who was terrified to be walking in the big city after dark. 'cause, you know… acting.” I chuckled. “Anyway, I got there about half hour before they did. I was two drinks in before I turned around and they were standing behind me. It took me… three cocktails and two beers before I had the nerve to try to talk to them. I went up to Rob first…” A waitress walked up and asked for my order and I ordered a double Sea Breeze before continuing.

“I talked to Rob first because Rich had walked away with another fan who was more, uh, bold and much hotter than me. I got a selfie with Rob, which was awesome. I don’t think I’d smiled that big in years.” I bit my bottom lip and shook my head a little. “I was kinda okay with not getting Richard’s picture, but then he walked back in and I talked myself into walking up to him and he just turned right to me and said 'You want a picture with me.’ and I responded with 'Yes, sir, I do.’ so we took a selfie and he asked me if I was going to the con and I said I’d driven five hours to come to the con and walked two and a half miles to meet him and he was shocked.” I laughed and the guys chuckled.

“And then he made me stay for this  _Project Cosplay_  thing that was happening in the bar’s back room. Like, he asked if I was staying and I said, 'Probably not’ and he literally pushed me into the room and made me sit down and watch.”

“That’s Richard for you. Pushy little jackass.” Jensen joked.

“He was great! Be nice. He was welcoming and sweet.”

“And pushy and a jackass. You just wait until you have deal with him as a director.” Jared said.

“I’m sure that I won’t be working here long enough for a Richard episode.” I said as the waitress brought my drink and set it on the table.

“Aw, don’t say that. Your first episode hasn’t even aired yet.” Misha reminded, encouragingly.

“Oh, I’m not being self-deprecating or anything, Misha. I’m just being a realist.” I took a drink of my Sea Breeze. It was a lot stronger-poured than I was expecting.

“Well, stop it. Being a realist put you behind a cash register for a decade.” Jensen reminded. “You should’ve never stopped acting.”

“Yeah, you’re good. It sucks that you stopped for so long.” Jared nodded, adjusting his beanie. “You could be famous, by now.”

I laughed. “Y'all are a couple 'reach for the stars’ away from a Mr. Rogers monologue.” I joked. “I couldn’t have made it a decade ago.”

“Why not?” Misha asked.

“Because I was fat in high school… and for a long while after, and I’m not talking chunky curves like I’ve got now. I mean… so fat that my Drama teacher wouldn’t let me be Juliet senior year even though I was a better actress than the pothead diva with the huge tits who stepped on everybody’s lines and sometimes our toes. It just proved to me that talent means very little in entertainment. Show business runs on pretty faces. Like yours.” I gestured at their faces with my straw.

“She thinks we’re pretty.” Jensen commented, low and fake-conspiratorial.

“Other plus-sized actors have made it in the business.” Misha started.

“And your face is pretty, too.” Jensen piped up.

I rolled my eyes. “It was risk vs. reward back then. I would have had to fight and claw and confront many doors slamming in my face. I would have had to leave home, put my everything into a dream I was probably,  _statistically_ , going to fail at. I just didn’t have the fortitude for it back then. I didn’t have the nerve. So, I settled for the small town girl cliche. Got married before I was legal to drink the champagne at my wedding, was nine months pregnant on my first anniversary, divorced before my kid was old enough to understand why her daddy wasn’t around anymore… statistics.”

“More like a self-fulfilled prophecy.” Jared said.

I shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. I’m here, now.”

Jensen raised his beer slightly in a toast. “To gaining fortitude.”

I lifted my cocktail. “To your pretty faces.”

Misha raised his drink. “To our children. May they stay innocent as long as possible.”

“To being strong enough to find our own worth.” Jared joined in.

“Love Yourself First. Always Keep Fighting. We Are Not Alone. Deus magnus est. Drink.” I genuflected and clinked my glass against each of theirs before taking a drink. The men followed suit.

“Was that 'God is great’?” Misha asked.

“Oh, yeah. Little bit of Latin, why not? Seemed appropriate for the table.”

“You know Latin?” Jared asked.

“Little bit. It wasn’t an option in school so I only know from, like, Google Translate and stuff from the show.”

“Wow. She’s just like a fan.” Misha joked.

“I can literally quote whole episodes to you while they play, Misha. Never doubt that I’m exactly like a fan.”

“Wow. I can’t wait to get her on the convention circuit.” Jared smiled behind his beer.

“We’ve established the fans are probably gonna hate me, right?”

“They’re gonna love you.” Jensen assured me.

“Sure, they will.” I rolled my eyes. “If there’s people who can manage to hate on this fluffy ball of goodness, they’ll find something, and by that I mean they’ll find  _many_ things, to hate about me.” I nodded toward Misha.

“But there’ll be people who love you. I mean, you seem like a fluffy ball of goodness, too.” Jared said.

“Thank you, but I’m a fluffy Frisbee of abnosomeness.” I joked.

“She’s a Gisher! I like her. Can we keep her?” Misha wrapped me in a hug, which I’m sure I blushed about.

“That’s up to her, Dabb, and the fans.” Jensen said, before taking a drink of his beer and licking his lips. I’ve never wanted to be an inanimate object as much as I wanted to be that beer bottle.

I pulled my focus away from his mouth and turned to look around the bar. “Oh, cool. They do karaoke on Thursdays.”

“You sing?” Jensen asked.

“Uh-huh. I hope singing along with the overhead doesn’t bother you guys, 'cause if a song I like, or even know the words to, comes on I’m all over it.”

“Shit, you think anything can embarrass us after years of being friends with Misha?” Jensen said.

“Okay, but if 'Bohemian Rhapsody’ ever comes on, you might change your mind.” I warned.

“Do you  _Wayne’s World_?” Jared asked, smirking.

“Hell yeah, I  _Wayne’s World_! Do you not?”

“Definitely gotta get her in with Creation. Can you imagine this one on stage with Matt for Karaoke?” Misha laughed.

“I wouldn’t dare to dream somebody might actually want me on stage at a convention they’ve paid good money to be at.”

“The dream is real, Baby Girl. Deal with it.”

I bit back the comment about calling him 'Daddy’ and had another sip of my Sea Breeze. The dream was real.


	3. Premiere

Tara was a flirt, no doubt about it, and since I was able to roll with that aspect of her personality, the writers deigned to run with it. Her interactions with Dean went from mildly flirtatious to downright carnal after the rewrites, so I ended up spending the next two weeks heavily flirting with Jensen’s character when the cameras were running and blushing like a schoolgirl afterward. J2 teased me relentlessly about that, praising my acting abilities because if I ever actually had to flirt with anyone, I’d probably pass out from blood rushing to my face. I would have loved to argue with them, but I’ve never been a good flirt. You need confidence to flirt and my confidence only exists when I’m pretending to be someone else. Tara is confident. y/n is not.

Jensen and Jared made me feel like one of them, teasing me (but not pranking me, thankfully) and they ended up spending a bit of time with me each day, inviting me to hang out on location even when I wasn’t working, having lunch or late dinners with them.

I realized, as the days passed, that the infatuation for Jensen I brought into our friendship was slowly morphing into a true affection for a man that I absolutely could not have. Because even if he wasn’t completely in love with Daneel, which he is, who in their right mind would have anything to do with me when they’ve got that woman at home?

So, I tried to pull back from the relationship. I stopped lingering after my scenes, started rushing back to my bed bug-ridden motel and making excuses on why I couldn’t join them for lunch or dinner or drinks. But how could I possibly say ‘no’ when Jensen asked me to be there for them live-tweeting the premiere?

“You tweeting East coast premiere or West coast?” I asked, sitting in Jensen’s recliner with a beer.

“Both.” Jared announced, happily. “We’re usually working on premiere night, but they gave us tonight and half of tomorrow off.”

“We’ll probably be shooting 'til four in the morning tomorrow to make up for it, but tonight we’re gonna party.” Jensen sat on the arm of the recliner and looked down at me. “So, where you been? You’ve been a ghost the last week or so. You okay?

I bit the inside of my cheek and nodded. "Yeah. Just homesick.” I lied.

He patted my shoulder. “Yeah, I get it. You never get used to it, but it  _does_ get easier. Video calls are your best friend.” I smiled up at him. “All right. Picture time.” He pulled out his phone and turned it on selfie mode and leaned in close to me.

“No, wait, what?” I ducked out of frame.

Jensen chuckled. “Oh, come on. Your television debut is about to air. We need documentation.”

I sighed and leaned back into frame, trying not to breathe in his intoxicating cologne. He snapped the pic and about ninety seconds later, my phone went off. “You didn’t say you were documenting on Twitter!” I exclaimed, looking at the screen in my hand.  **Our new friend @y/l/n_y/n’s debut episode of Supernatural starts in 5 mins, East Coast! Let her know how much you love her!**

Jensen gave me one of his patented 'really?’ looks that he usually reserves for Jared or Misha and leaned down next to me. “We’re live  _tweeting_.”

“Yeah, the premiere, not the party.” I argued.

“You are just determined to not enjoy this fame thing, huh?”

I shook my head. “I’m just… I… I know how this could go, you know? I am not looking forward to seeing a bunch of hate on my Twitter feed or… you know, the 'who the hell is this bitch?’ stuff. I was just…”

“Hey, Miss Fortitude. We’re here to support you… and some fans are gonna hate it no matter what we do.” Jensen nudged my shoulder with his elbow.

“Can’t please everyone. Don’t hold back just because you’re afraid someone’s gonna hate it.” Jared said.

I nodded and took a drink of my beer. As the episode started, I had to turn off notifications from Twitter because I was suddenly being flooded with new followers. About halfway through the episode, a familiar set popped onto the screen. “This you?” Jensen asked as I took a drink of my vodka cranberry cocktail. I just nodded as the screen panned over a teenager (actually a twenty-two year old actress named Sylvia) holding a shaking knife over a tied-up goat.

“You can’t be afraid to get your hands dirty in witchcraft, girls.” Tara said, gently taking the knife from the teen and turning to a group of witches standing on the other side of the table. Her gentle smile turned into a serious glower. “Your clothes can be cleaned. Your manicures can be fixed. Your spellwork can’t. You get one shot, ladies, at a spell. You mess up, you start over from scratch and if you miss a moon because you’re too squeamish to do what needs to be done…” The knife plunged into the off-screen goat with a sickening squelch that they definitely added in post because I actually stabbed a thick block of foam.

Tara raised a bloody animal heart into frame, blood dripping over her rose quartz bead bracelet and down her arm. “…you’ll have to wait a whole month to try again.” She turned to the teen and presented the heart to the girl. “Your foremothers did this without complaint, Katie. If you want to have the power your bloodline has promised, you have to put forth the  _effort_.” She put the heart in the teen’s hand and walked away.

“Yes, Miss Tara.” The girls chorused.

Jared and Jensen turned to me, excitedly congratulating me. I could feel how pink I turned, though some of that may have been the liquor. “That was amazing.” I gushed. “I was on TV!!!”

“See? Hold onto that feeling, Baby Girl. Who gives a fuck whether the fans like you or not?  _We_ like you.” Jensen wrapped me in a hug and then handed me another vodka and cranberry.

That was the only bit of Tara in the episode, a nice little 90 second introduction in the midst of them tracking down the Nephilim, Jack, and dealing with the loss of Castiel and Mary. I continued watching with them and they both tweeted a picture of me looking super psyched to be on TV, and I drank. I drank over-poured Tequila Sunrises and Vodka Cranberries and beer and bottles and bottles of water.

The next morning, I woke up at 6:30 in an unfamiliar bed. By that I mean, I woke up at 6:30 in a bed instead of a bathtub lined with as many pillows as I could justify buying and bringing into my motel bathroom. I sat up, confused, my head still swimming with alcohol, and looked around. A queen bed in a man’s bedroom, and there was a body under the comforter with me. Jensen rolled over and put his large hand on my shoulder, gently pushing me backward to lie back down. “We don’t gotta be at work 'til noon, y/n/n. Sleep off some more of that tequila.” His already deep voice rumbled deeper with sleep and made me flush.

A memory wheedled into my brain of Jensen saying that I was way too drunk to drive and telling Clif to just drive us both back to  _his_ apartment. I sighed, head feeling a little dizzy, and rolled over on my side facing away from him. “Okay, but if your wife puts a hit out on me, I’m blaming you.”

He put his arm around my waist and pulled me against him. I was just drunk enough to not think that was a big deal and not get flustered about his proximity. “Trust me. Dee isn’t the jealous type.” He whispered, sleepily, into my hair.

We slept for another three hours, his arm wrapped around me, hand resting just under my breasts, his body warming my back. When I woke up again, sober this time, I was instantly embarrassed and turned on so I pulled away from him. I rolled out of his bed and padded to his kitchen to drink as much water as I could stand while he showered. He came into the kitchen twenty minutes later, smelling of that damn cologne and minty toothpaste, fastening a Rolex to his wrist. “Clif’ll be here in about ten minutes. He’s gonna drop us by your motel so you can get showered and changed. How’s your hangover?”

“Oh, I don’t have one.” I answered. He gave me a baffled look, which I totally understand. I drank a  _lot_ the night before so not having a hangover must’ve seemed like witchcraft. “I drank a lot of water last night. You’ve probably got Nestle bottles strewn across your trailer. I always make sure to drink twice as much water as alcohol. It stops the headache and light sensitivity. So, I just end up a little sick to my stomach, which can be remedied with Dramamine and a good sandwich.”

Jensen’s eyebrows shot up. “Wow. You know how to drink.”

“Yeah, well…” I looked at my feet. “I used to drown my depression in rum, so…”

“You’ve got depression?” He asked, quietly.

“Not Chemical. Situational. My old therapist was very specific about that. When I get low, I get  _really_ low, though. It was at its worst when I was married, so I had five years of really low.”

He leaned against his refrigerator and looked across the kitchen at me. “Yeah. You know, you talk about your daughter all the time, but you barely ever mention her father. What happened there?”

I licked my lips and shook my head before taking a deep breath. How to answer that question without sounding bitter and terrible? “He was… you know, he was my first real relationship. My  _only_ real relationship, actually. We married young. I told you I was twenty. Well, he was only twenty-one. He wanted a woman who would worship him, and for a long time, I did.” I cleared my throat. “But he hurt me, emotionally. I was miserable for years and I couldn’t even tell for a long time. The pain became my normal.”

I cleared my throat again and blinked away what were trying to be tears. “It was honestly the best thing that could have happened to me when he left me for… a female friend of ours.”

“Shitty friend.”

I nodded, trying not to re-feel the betrayal again. “You are not wrong.”

Jensen must’ve been able to see the hurt on my face, because he turned to pour a cup of coffee, allowing me to feel my pain in my own headspace without him watching. “You don’t seem like the type to worship a guy. You don’t even worship me, and I’m totally worth it.” He said, and I could hear the smirk in his voice.

“Oh, you’re the closest I’ll ever get, Ackles.” I pulled myself out of the past and nodded. “But back when I met him, I was different. I was… I was fat and I honestly thought I was ugly and I hated myself and the fact that this guy was paying attention to me, saying he loved me… I wanted so badly to keep  _that_ feeling that I ignored all the bad feelings. He kept me low, on purpose, and as soon as I decided I wanted to better myself… As soon as I decided that I needed to be a strong woman so that my daughter would be one, he stopped wanting me.”

He turned to me, his green eyes sparkling over the coffee mug as he took a sip. “What, because he knew you were gonna realize what an ass he was as soon as you came out of the darkness?”

I nodded. “That’s the theory.”

“Well, look at you now.” Jensen smiled at me and it was like all the pain Nate put me through never existed and now I had a new pain to focus on: the all-too familiar pain of unrequited love. “Bet he’s kickin’ himself.”

“Oh, yeah. I’m on TV now. I’ve got almost 10,000 Twitter followers. My star is on the rise.” I joked.

Jensen shook his head, setting the mug on the counter and giving me an earnest look. “Not what I mean. The person you were when you married him, she would never have sent that audition video in, would she?” I bit my lip and shook my head. No way in hell. “You never would’ve been able to befriend Jared and me. Never woulda ended up… part of this family. If you were still with him, you’d still be overweight and depressed and self-medicating with alcohol. Only ever getting close to this world at the Creation cons.”

I shook my head. “Nope. He… I never did  _anything_ for myself when I was with him. I always  _looked_ at the cons, but I never went to them. Not just Supernatural cons, either. Everything. You know me well enough now that you know I’m a fairly well-rounded geek and I never went to a single convention until Nate left me. When I wasn’t worrying about taking care of  _him_ , and  _his_ wants, and  _his_ needs, I was finally able to do something great for me.” I smiled, brightly. “That con in Atlanta was life-changing for me. I did things I never would have when I was married. I drove 5 hours, by myself, to a city I had literally never seen. I walked a mile and a half from my hotel to the con hotel and back, alone, every day.”

I chuckled, excited about my life-altering memories. “I walked to that bar in the dark and actually got up the nerve to talk to two guys I looked up to. I talked to people at the con that I’d never met and I made friends. I got up and sang karaoke in front of 200 people and I fucking rocked it. I had the time of my life… which prompted me to go after the other things I wanted in my life… which is how I got to meet you.”

“Well, I’m glad you did it. You deserve to be here.”

I smiled at him as his phone beeped. “Clif’s here?”

“Yep. Let’s go.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We pulled into the Budget Inn and I got out, assuming Jensen would stay in the truck with Clif, but he didn’t. He followed me into my room. “So, this is the temporary y/n/n Pad, huh?”

“Yep. Don’t snoop, Jensen.” I said, grabbing my clothes from the wardrobe and heading into the bathroom to pull seven pillows and a blanket out of the tub so that I could shower.

“If I snoop, what am I gonna find?” He shouted at the bathroom door.

“A shrine to Misha! Leave it alone. It’s an extended GISHWHES item!” I joked.

“You’re ridiculous.” He called.

“I think you mean 'abnosome’!” I said as I turned on the shower. I didn’t want to make Jensen and Clif wait too long on me so I stepped under the spray before the water warmed. I’m not a hundred percent sure if the shiver that went through me was due to that, or the laughter I heard from Jensen in the main room. I toweled off my hair, then used the towel to dry out the tub so that I could throw the pillows back in. When I exited the bathroom, wearing loose jeans and a plain black tee (because they’re just gonna put me in a skirt and blouse at work, anyway) Jensen was wearing my white hat with his and Jared’s autographs on it.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’m pretty sure this looks better on me.” He said, looking in the mirror.

I smirked. “Of course, it does. Everything looks good on you.”

“I’m not sure how I feel about the buttons, though.” He said, turning to me and flicking several buttons along the sides of the hat that featured the faces of his,  _our_ , coworkers.

“If you don’t like it, don’t wear it.” I reached for the hat but he just ducked backward.

“I’m gonna make sure you don’t ghost again. I’ll give the hat back when I’m sure you’re not going anywhere.” He said, adjusting the hat on his head. “Come on, Clif’s waiting.”

I shook my head and leaned down to slip my sneakers on, before heading out to waiting SUV. I bit my lip as I thought over the last twelve hours of my life. Several thousand followers on Twitter, my television debut, a night of drinking which ended… in Jensen’s bed. I turned away from Jensen to look out the window as I blushed, incredibly deeply, thinking about waking up to him pressed against my back, the weight of his arm around my middle, how close his hand was to my chest…

“You okay, kid?”

“Um, yeah. Why?” I turned to him with a fake smile.

“You look like you’re deep in thought, that’s all.” His eyes dropped to my mouth. “You gotta stop bitin’ your lip, Baby Girl. You’re starting to bruise.”

My hand went to my lips. They didn’t feel bruised, but when I pulled out my phone and examined my face with the selfie cam, I could see that he was right. My top front teeth had left a blue bruise on my bottom lip. “Shit. They’re gonna love this in the makeup trailer. Might have to actually put lipstick on Tara.”

“I kinda like it.” He said, licking his lips as he stared at mine. “Makes it look like you had a lot of fun last night.”

I blushed and had to fight to keep myself from biting my lip again. The way he was looking at me, it was almost like he wasn’t joking. “Well, since I went home with a married man last night, Ackles, that may not be a good thing. Don’t encourage the rumor mill.” His eyes sparkled as he smiled and turned to look out the windshield.  ***Not that anyone would think he’d be with me, but I know how people talk.***

~~~~~~~~

Trisha was mildly miffed about the bruise, but she just put a special foundation on my lips and then covered it with a lipstick the exact color of my natural lip. We were shooting on location in Abbotsford, BC that day to finally get the Chicago episode underway and it was my first opportunity to ride in one of the Impalas. I was over the moon as I ran my hand over the hood. “Stop pretending you haven’t sneaked over and drooled over Baby before.” Jensen said, walking up and putting his hand on my back between my shoulder blades.

“No, I have.” I admitted, turning to him. “I’ve just always admired the Impalas from afar. You know how the props guys are about the cars.” I smiled, brightly, and leaned against the warm black metal. “I get to ride in her. Like… seriously? So amazing.”

“You ever imagine just how much sex has happened in the back of this car?” Jensen asked. It immediately made me think of a line from the scene we were going to be shooting: Tara asking Dean how many women had screamed his name in the backseat.

“Don’t misquote my character at me, Ackles.”

He chuckled and licked his lips. “I wasn’t talkin’ 'bout the show. How many actors or crew members you think have been in this car after dark to mess around?”

I immediately shut down any flirtatious tone and adopted an innocent expression. “I dunno. How many times have you opened the door to the smell of sex?”

He smirked. “Half a dozen or so.”

“Why are you smirking? Did I miss somethin’?” I asked, trying to maintain the innocence.

“You know, sometimes I am completely baffled at how innocent you are, especially for a chick who’s got a kid at home.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I huffed, indignantly, putting my hands on my hips.

“You always act completely oblivious when I try to bring up sex in conversation. You pretend like I just asked you what color your shirt is or somethin’, and let’s not forget that you woke up in my bed today and didn’t even make a joke about morning wood.”

“You think that’s probably by design, Ackles?” He just raised an eyebrow so I shook my head and looked at my feet. “You talkin’ about sex forces me to think about you  _and_ sex. So for the sake of my own composure, I shut that shit down as fast as possible.”

“Aw! Somebody’s embarrassed.” He laughed and I sneaked a look at his face. His eyes fucking sparkle when he laughs. “Man, I’m gonna get you to flirt back, eventually. Tara shouldn’t be the only one who gets to make comments about my ass.”

“Oh, come on!” It was a shriek as I rushed away from him and the car, my face red.

“Jensen messing with you?” Misha was suddenly next to me and I wasn’t exactly sure how he got there.

I threw a look back at Jensen, who was talking with Jared. When had he shown up? “Uh… yeah. You know how the guys are.”

“Well, I can say they usually don’t warm up to people as fast as they warmed up to you. They usually stay professional for at least a season before they start in on the fresh meat.”

“Must be something special 'bout me, then, 'cause they’ve been teasing me since day one.”

“Ah, it’ll get better. You just have to learn how to fight back.”

“Yeah. I’ll get right on that.” I muttered, before heading away from him and toward the Craft tent for a coffee. Jensen Ackles was going to be my death. Jensen Ackles, with his hair and his eyes and his stupid plump lips and his… wait, morning wood?

My head went back to waking up in his bed, the smell of him all around me, and when he first pulled me against his body. There  _had_ been a large hardness resting against my ass. I’d barely even registered it because I was still drunk and when I woke up it was gone and wow, that was a  _big_ bulge in his sweat pants.

I pulled out my phone to try to take my head off of Jensen and went to Facebook. I couldn’t help but look at the 'New Episode Discussion’ post on my SPN Family group. There were a few disparaging comments about Tara. A few 'who is this bitch’ ones and one that said, ’ ** _you can’t just add another witch. we’re not over Rowena dying yet_** ’ but the majority of the comments about 'Miss Tara’ were encouraging and one of the group admins recognized my name and put it together that I was part of the fandom and the responses after that were not jealous as I thought they’d be. They were happy for me. They were excited for me to be living my dream.

I avoided Jensen until I had to be in front of the cameras with him. Since he brought it up, I couldn’t stop thinking about that hefty bulge, so of course, until I went into actor mode I was a blushing mess. Phil gave the blocking, telling me to be louder than I normally would because we had to overcome the general noise of being outside.

“As soon as Jensen turns the corner, you hit your mark. It needs to be as seamless as possible, okay?”

“Yes, sir.”

They called quiet, Jensen and the stuntmen playing monsters walked to their marks, and then the scene started. Jensen ran down the alley, the monsters ran after him, Jensen hit his mark at the end of the alley and I immediately stepped onto mine and threw my arm up. “ _Abi_!” I shouted and the stuntmen flew down the alley.

Jensen turned to me. “Who the heck are you?” He demanded in Dean Winchester abruptness.

“Right now? I’m the witch who’s saving your butt and you’re the hunter without a clue.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? I know about these things. Nachzehrers.” He said.

“Those ghoul-pires are just the tip of the iceberg here, Winchester, and you don’t have any witch-killing bullets handy, so unless you wanna be nachzehrer food, you should come with me.”

“You know me?” Jensen asked.

“We don’t have time for this.” I rolled my eyes. “ _Sequi me_.” I turned and rushed away from that mark to the next mark which was down the street.

Phil made us redo it over and over again, and then we moved on to the next scene, which was us running into a warehouse and was actually one of the last scenes of the episode. Jensen rushed in the door and slammed it as soon as I was through it. “Grab it! The barrel, the barrel, woman!”

“Don’t yell at me, pretty boy.” I growled back, pushing a large metal barrel toward the door to barricade it, then hopping up to sit on it as crew guys on the other side of the door started thumping and thunking into the door to simulate the Nachzehrers, ghouls, vampires, wendigos and werewolves. “What do we do now?”

“I thought you were the one with the plan and I was just the hunter without a clue.” Jensen shot over his shoulder as he started to pace, pulling his cell phone out.

“Oh, that was hours ago! How long does it take for your brother to find a comatose hunter throwing his nightmares out into the real world?” I bit back, swinging my legs against the barrel.

“If it were that easy, why didn’t  _you_ do it?” Jensen turned to me, turning a smoldering glare on my face.

“I didn’t have to help you, at all, Winchester.” I reminded. “I am in Chicago because I thought I could help you. If you’d taken that help from the start, we wouldn’t be in this mess.”

“Well, I’m sorry, sweetheart, but I don’t generally trust witches.”

“I am a  _white witch_. Why is it so hard to understand for you?”

“Oh, yeah, a  _white_ witch. A white witch that made me follow her, that could probably have made me do whatever she wanted-”

“Oh, honey, if we were doing whatever I wanted, we’d be in bed not in this stupid warehouse.” I sighed, loudly. “Call your brother, Dean. We’re not getting out of here until he wakes up Ewan.”

“And if he can’t?”

“Then we die.” I said it in the happiest, sarcastic voice I could.

“Great. Get to die in a warehouse with a witch.” Jensen groaned and tapped on the cell phone before putting it to his ear. “Tell me something good, Sammy, because I do not want to die again in a warehouse in Illinois.”

“'Cause Illinois is worse than Kansas.” I rolled my eyes.

“Nobody asked you, Tara.”

~~~~~~~~

“I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the shooting out of order thing.” I was keeping my focus on Jared and it was, honestly, the only thing keeping my composure intact. My eyes kept going to Jensen’s lap, of their own stupid accord, like I didn’t have control of my own body when confronted with his body. How unfair is that? And how embarrassing that Jensen totally noticed?

Jensen smirked as he turned to Jared. “She’s thinkin’ about my morning wood.”

“What?! No, I’m not!” I exclaimed, indignantly and totally transparently.

“Jay, leave the poor girl alone.” Jared said, softly, with a smile just as soft.

“Yeah, Jay. Leave the poor girl alone.” I mimicked.

“But she’s so cute when she blushes.” Which, of course, made me blush deeper. “See? Isn’t that adorable?”

“Oh, screw you, Ackles.”

“That an offer? 'cause we’ve got some free time before we start shooting again and-”

“Shut up, you giant child.” I demanded.

“Hey, you’re the one who keeps checking to see how giant I really am.”

“Oh, my god!” I covered my face with my hands, careful not to press to hard lest I ruin Trisha’s work on my face. “Jared, please control your boy.”

“You know you’re talking to the wrong guy if you want to control Jensen, right? Because I’m finding this whole situation hilarious.”

“Some friend you are, Padalecki.”

“Oh, he’s a great friend… to me.” Jensen smirked and shrugged. “I’ve got thirteen years on you, Baby Girl. J-pad is always gonna have my back.”

I stood and stuck my tongue out at them before heading to get another coffee. “And she called you a child?”

“Nice long tongue, though.” Jensen joked.

“Tone it down.” Jared said, so quietly I could barely hear him from the coffee cart ten feet away. “You’re gonna chase her away again.”

“Too much?” Jensen replied. It dawned on me that Jensen thought he’d done something to make me pull away before and that made me feel bad.

“Yeah. Just a bit. She’s sensitive.”

“Yeah, some folks don’t like to be teased so much, Jay.” I said, sitting back down.

He smiled, a genuine smile. “All right. I’ll tone down the teasing. I’m sorry, kid.”

“Okay. Forgiven.” I said, smiling.


	4. Unconventional conventions

It was the Saturday after the Chicago episode aired, as I was finishing shooting my final episode, that Creation Entertainment called. Apparently, they were already considering asking me to be a guest based on Jared and Jensen’s suggestions, but after the episode aired they were flooded with requests on Twitter and through their email for them to add me to their line-up for at least a few cons.

I agreed, immediately, for any convention they wanted to add me to, which ended in them adding me to the Jacksonville con three weeks out, and a promise of more once they’d worked out contracts for me. “Oh, and do you sing? Would you be interested in doing karaoke or the Saturday Night Special?”

“Both! Yes!”

“All right, we’ll give Stephen Norton your email, you can coordinate your SNS song with him.”

I went into my last day on set half happy and half sad. I was sad that I was done being Tara, done in Vancouver, done being a short trip away from my newest best friends. But I was happy because I’d get to go to the cons, I was going to get to see my daughter again, and fans liked Tara. Like, I’d seen some heavy blowback on Twitter and there were certainly  _some_ fans who hated her, but there were fans who  _loved_ her and wanted to know me because of it.

“We’re looking at another five for you, post-midseason break. Would you be okay with that?” Andrew Dabb asked, before I left set on my last day.

“Really?”

“Yeah, really. You wanna come back?”

“I haven’t even left yet and I’m eager to come back! Sign me up, sir.”

“Glad to hear it. We’ve got some good things planned for Tara.”

“Hey, I heard the good news, kid.” Jensen said, as soon as he opened his trailer door to me.

“Which good news? Dabb’s good news or Adam Malin’s news?” I asked with a smile, stepping up into his trailer.

“Oh, Creation finally called?” He asked, smiling just as big.

“Yeah. I’m doing JaxCon and probably a bunch of other ones, but def confirmed for Jacksonville.”

“Awesome. You about to head back home?”

I nodded. “Well, they’re done with me until after the break, so I’m gonna spend some time with my family. I’m missing the hell out of Nova. Video calls only do so much, you know?”

“I know. Believe me, I know. Let me take you to the airport.” He offered.

“You don’t have to do that. I have to drop the rental car off at the lot and all that.”

“I can do that for you. It’s just returning keys and shit. Come on. You’re not gonna see me until Jacksonville, don’t you wanna hang a little before you go?”

I sighed, fighting back a smile. “Fine. You can help me load my bags into the car.”

“Works for me. You ready?”

“I’m ready.” I followed him into the parking lot and let him drive to the Budget Inn. I’d done most of my packing before I left, putting the luggage in plastic trash bags to keep the bedbugs out and tossing the bags in the tub. “You don’t have need of a bunch of extra pillows, do you? I can’t take these with me and I don’t really want to just toss them.”

“Jeez, this place is disgusting. When you come back, you aren’t staying here.” Jensen said, looking at the dead bugs on the windowsill.

“Well, if you can find a place this cheap that’s not disgusting, let me know, ‘cause Warner Brothers isn’t gonna spring for anything more expensive.”

“Y/n/n, you’ve really been sleeping in the bathtub. I can’t let you stay here. I’ll clear out some space in my closet, you can stay with me.”

I blinked at him for a few moments before shaking my head. “No, no, you  _really_ don’t have to do that, Jay. I can handle bed bugs and mean maids for a few weeks at a time.”

“I have been thinking about this since the first time I saw your room. Somehow it looks worse, now.” He turned to me and smiled. “I already talked to Danneel and she’s cool with it. She doesn’t want you to have to be in this horrible motel, either.”

“I… I don’t know what to say.”

“Just say 'Thank you, Jensen.’ and move on.”

I smirked. “Thank you, Jensen, and move on.” I said.

“Oh, you got Mom jokes.” He chuckled, grabbing one of my luggage trash bags and heading out to the car.

“Seriously, though. Thank you. I think Trisha was getting tired of covering bug bites. Anyway…” I got into the passenger side of the car and looked over at him as he started driving toward the airport. “So, are you planning to sing at JaxCon?”

He shrugged, eyes on the road. “I never really know 'til I get there. Depends on how tired I am, when the flight gets in, all that. You gonna sing?”

“ _Desperado. Why don’t you come to your senses? You been out ridin’ fences, for so long now_.” I sang, with a smile.

He chuckled. “Well, I really hope I get to be there when the fans fall in love with that voice.”

“Oh, shut up.” I said, blushing.

When we got to the airport, I grabbed my bags. Always a gentleman, Jensen pulled my larger suitcase from my hands and held the door open for me. He stood with me through the check-in and walked with me to the TSA screening area, then stopped and wrapped me in a hug. I hugged him back, unable to resist the urge to breathe in his cologne and natural manly smell. When he stepped back, he was smiling and his eyes were shining. “I’ll turn your car in. Don’t worry about it. I’ll see you in two weeks. Give that little girl a bunch of love. She’s the reason for everything, right?”

I nodded. “Right. Text me?”

“Every day. See you in Jacksonville, roomie.”

I was giddy as I got on the plane.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My parents greeted me at the airport when I got home, Nova holding a sign that said  **Welcome home mommy!**

“Oh, my god, baby! I missed you so much!” I wrapped her in my arms and squeezed her tightly.

“I missed you, too, Mom!”

“So, how was Vancouver? How was the work? How were the men?” My mom asked as we walked to the luggage claim carousel.

“It was all amazing. Vancouver is beautiful. It’s like Seattle without the pretension. And the air up there just… Pacific coast air just tastes better, you know? The work is everything I wanted. It’s challenging and difficult and I’m proud of myself that I’m good at it. And the guys…” I sighed, wistfully. “Jensen and Jared and Misha are the most amazing human beings I’ve ever met. I doubt I’d’ve done as well as I have if they hadn’t, you know, been so welcoming and accommodating of my complete lack of experience.”

“And how did they react to the fact that you’re obsessed with-”

I cut my mom off. “Jensen’s cool with it. He teases me a bit, sometimes, but he even gave me a cool new background for my cell.” I pulled the phone out and unlocked it to show his smiling selfie.

“Wow.”

“Who’s he?” Nova asked.

“This is my new friend, Jay. He’s a really awesome guy. He’s been super nice to me.”

“Jay?” My dad asked.

“Oh, yeah. Something I picked up from Jared, I guess.” I shrugged and picked up my luggage.

“You’re spending enough time with them that you’re picking up nicknames?”

“Yeah. As much as possible.” As if on cue, my phone started to ring with a Skype call. “Speak of the devil.”

Jensen was in his trailer, standing at the counter with a cup of coffee in his hand. He was obviously calling from his laptop. “Hey, kid. How was your flight?”

“Pretty good, actually. Plane was half empty, so I got to get some sleep.”

He smiled. “Listen to you pretending you can’t sleep pretty much anywhere.” He raised his eyebrows at me. “If you can sleep through us filming a fight scene twenty feet away, you could sleep on a full plane.”

“I was  _not_ sleeping. I was resting my eyes.” I argued.

“And snoring.”

“I do  _not_ snore.”

“Like a freakin’ chainsaw.”

“My mommy doesn’t snore!” Nova shouted.

Jensen chuckled as I bent down to pick Nova up. “You know what, Miss Nova? You’re right. She wasn’t snoring, just breathing real deep and loud.”

“Hi.” Nova greeted as she smiled at Jensen.

“Hello, Nova. It’s nice to meet you. Your mom talks about you all the time.”

Nova blushed and turned her face into my neck, suddenly shy. I laughed and patted her head. “Well, I’m glad I’m not the only one you have that effect on.”

“You know, I still get Kim sometimes.” Jensen said, proudly.

“Yeah, I know. All right. Hate to cut you off, but I’ve only got a few hours with Nova before her father gets her, so…”

“No, I get it. I’ll text you later.”

“Have fun, Jay.”

“You know it.” He smiled as he signed off of Skype.

“Wow. Y'all are friendly, aren’t ya?” My dad said as we headed for the parking lot.

“Yeah. you think I was lying or somethin’?” I asked.

“No, just… he’s famous. You could barely breathe around him before you went up there.”

“I know, but I guess exposure kinda numbed me to that whole thing.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Nate showed up to pick up Nova, I was struck with how bad he looked. His hair was stringy, caked in grease like he hadn’t showered in weeks. His eyes were sunken and he looked sick. Had he always looked this bad? Were my standards raised from falling in love with Jensen? I’d have to consult pictures later. “Hey.”

“Hey.” He responded. “I saw you on TV.”

“Thought you and Jenny didn’t have cable.”

“I pirated it.”

“Of course you did. You know, the CW has a free app. You could’ve just downloaded that and watched there. Probably better quality  _and_ we’d get the ratings for you watching.”

“Wow, you became a company shill quick, didn’t you?”

I rolled my eyes. “So, what’d you think? You were gonna tell me about my performance.” I guessed. Having known him since high school, I know he brought it up to critique it.

“You were pretty good. Reminded me of that blond chick that was obsessed with Sam. Constantly being oblivious and sexually aggro when she should’ve known she didn’t have a chance in hell.”

“Becky. You think Tara is like Becky?” I called on every bit of composure and self-control I own to keep my voice level.

“Right. Becky knew she didn’t have a shot with Sam, but she deluded herself into thinking they had a connection. Tara flirted with Dean through the whole episode, but she’s not stupid so she  _has_ to know she doesn’t stand a chance.”

“Why wouldn’t she stand a chance?”

Nate gave me a look that I knew well; the 'I get to tear you down and you walked right into it’ look. “Well, just look at the women Dean has slept with in the past on the show. You don’t look  _anything_ like them.”

“You’re right.” His face fell a little, like he wasn’t expecting me to agree. “I don’t look anything like those women, but that doesn’t mean much. In season 9, in the episode 'The Purge’, Dean says he is just fine with a big girl 'cause a little extra cushion is nice.”

I smiled as genuinely as I could muster, as Nova walked up with her backpack. “I don’t  _have_ to look like Alona Tal, or Emily Swallow, or Cindy Sampson, because Dean is the kind of guy who can see the beauty in  _all_ women.” I dropped to my knees and wrapped Nova in a hug. “You have fun with Daddy.”

“I will. I love you, Mom.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next two weeks were spent with my family and friends, basking a bit in the 'old normal’ and loving sleeping in my own bed again. The Thursday before JaxCon, I rented a car and drove East. Creation put me up in a Best Western 10 miles from the con hotel, the same as Kim Rhodes, Briana Buckmaster and Osric Chau. I checked in and got comfy in my room, taking a shower and dressing in comfortable jeans and one of my old AKF shirts.

I was tweeting my excitement about participating in my first convention when a knock came to my door. I set my phone down, looked through the peephole and saw Osric. I opened the door and smiled at him. “Hey. I found you. Some of us are gonna head down to the bar. You wanna come with?”

I shrugged. “Got nothin’ better to do. I was just about to watch an episode of  _Family Guy_  I’ve seen five million times. Lemme grab my wallet.” I rushed back to the bed, picking up my wallet, phone and room key. I followed Osric down the hall to the elevator where Kim and Briana were waiting in glitter-adorned awesomeness.

“I’m Osric, by the way.”

“Y/n, and I know. We’ve met… very briefly, onstage at karaoke in Atlanta… you were Batman.”

“You know, they said you were a fan, but I didn’t expect you to be a  _fan_ fan.” Kim said.

“Yep. Fan-fan.” I chuckled. “So, you know, be prepared for me to fawn over your awesomeness.”

“Wow, from fan to famous in just a few months.” Briana commented as we got into the elevator.

“Ha, famous. Totally not, but super excited to be here, nonetheless.”

“Have they told you about your panels?” Osric asked.

“Yeah. I’m on tomorrow with Ruth, a sort of 'Witches Panel’ and I’ve got a short panel alone halfway through Saturday.”

We went down to the bar and Bri, Os and I drank (Kim being a moderating force of sobriety), laughing and talking. I pulled up my pictures of Atlanta and a video of me singing at karaoke. They loved it, and they made sure to tell me that I was required to sing the same song for karaoke the next night. I acquiesced, because I love the song, anyway. We got comfortable with each other, I made friends with more of my SPN idols and then we went back to our rooms and before I lied down for the night, I sent Jensen all the pictures I took of the fun.  **Wish you were here ;)**. I woke up the next morning to a picture of him on set, covered in fake dirt and blood, and looking absolutely miserable.

I rode with Os, Kim and Bri to the con hotel and settled into the green room. Ruth came in. I took a deep breath and stepped up to her, introducing myself with a smile. She smiled and welcomed me to the Family. We had a nice little conversation about her home in Edinburgh and I showed her pictures of my daughter and then, Richard walked in with Rob and Louden Swain following behind. “Hey! New girl!” Richard said, making a beeline for me. I looked up at him. “What do you go by?”

“If  _you’re_ talking to me, you can call me 'y/n/n’, but when it comes to introducing me, it’s 'y/n’.” I stood, offering my hand to him, but he just wrapped his arm around me.

“Nice to meet you again, kid.”

“You remember me?” I asked, honestly surprised.

“How could I forget the chick who drove 5 hours to Atlanta just to walk 2 miles to a bar and follow me and Robbie around until you got up the nerve to ask for a picture? I knew you looked familiar when I saw that pic Jensen posted and Jared told me you were a fan from North Florida. I put it together a couple weeks ago. Robbie had to be reminded, but he has memory issues.”

I smiled up at him. “You know, that weekend changed my life. It sounds cliché, but it totally did. That con is the reason I’m at  _this_ con, and you pushing me to stay at the bar that night for the Project Cosplay thing… that was the start of it, you know?”

“Well, I’m happy you’re here. Follow the dream. Also, it’s always good to have another Southerner around.”

“Of course, it is.”

“Hey, do you happen to have those selfies you took with me and Robbie at Joystick Gamebar? I wanna give 'em to the AV guys, put 'em up on screen when I introduce you.”

My eyes widened and I took out my phone. “Uh, yeah. I’ve got this one with Rob, this one with you and then I’ve got this one with BatChau.” I said, swiping through my pictures.

“Awesome. Text those to me. Here’s my number.”

I did and when it was time for Richard to introduce me and Ruth, I listened from just behind the curtain. “All right! Our next panel’s a little magical, a little wicked and I’m not just talking about the magic Ruth uses to walk around on those killer high heels. Now, when y/n comes out and says she’s a fan just like you guys, don’t just take her word for it. We’ve got photographic evidence.” There was a sound of applause as the first picture went up. “The year was 2016, the month: October. We were doing a convention in a little town in Georgia called  _Atlanta_.” Whoops and hollers. “Some of you may’ve been there. So was she. Y/n drove 5 hours from her small Florida hometown, then she walked 2 miles in downtown Atlanta to a bar she heard Robbie and I were gonna be at. She tracked down me and Robbie, and got some selfies. I’m pretty sure she walked through downtown every day and she even participated in our Halloween karaoke. Yes, that’s right. She’s a Friday Person! Friday people, like you wonderful folks, are my favorite people. Here we go! One of our biggest fans and our favorite witch, you guys can debate which witch is which: Ruth Connell and y/n y/l/n!”

I walked out on stage behind Ruth as Swain played 'Witchy Woman’ and smiled and waved to the audience. I looked over at the stage left screen, where the picture of me and Richard was up. I gave Rob Benedict a hug as he handed me his mic and vacated the stage. I sat in a tall stool next to Ruth and waited for the noise to die before pointing to the screen. “Look at that fat bitch fangirling over Richard. Looks like she’s about to explode.”

“You’re not fat!” Someone shouted from the middle of the room.

I laughed. “Not anymore. But I was almost 300 pounds there. Anyway, anyway. Before we start taking questions, I’ve gotta be sappy.” I cleared my throat. “As the, uh, pictures can attest, I was just like you guys a few years ago. I cried when Charlie died, I bought  _all_ the AKF shirts, I developed an unhealthy obsession with Louden Swain and have considered, more than once, getting an anti-possession tattoo. Which, you know, I know some of y'all definitely have.” Several people hooted. “Anyway, I, um, never imagined being up on this stage, with you guys actually giving a damn about what I say. I am up here because of you guys. Literally, I am only here right now because so many of you guys requested me.” More whoops.

“Seriously, I didn’t think anyone was gonna like me. I mean, I know that female characters don’t usually last long on the show, we tend to hate on anyone getting screen time with our boys. And I’m saying 'we’ because I hated Lisa, too, y'all.” They laughed. “You know, Bela, Lisa, Hannah, Amelia, Amara, We can’t let our boys get close. So, I was super surprised when I found out that you guys actually  _like_ Tara. You guys requested me here and in a round-about way, you requested my continued presence on the show. You’re the reason I was signed for another round of episodes.” They cheered for that. “Anyway, all this to say, I’m incredibly happy to be here and I love you all. Thank you so much. Okay! Questions. Ruth, should we start stage left or stage right?”

“It’s yer first panel, Dear. You’ve got the wheel.”

“Stage Right, it is. Hi!” I said, smiling at the fan in the green flannel.

“Hi. I’m Stacy.”

“Hi, Stacy.” Ruth and I echoed.

“Hi. My question is for y/n.” I perked up at that. “So, what type of fan were you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Were you a creator or a consumer?”

I turned to Ruth. “Pretty straightforward, but fan creators are the ones who write fanfictions and make photo edits and all the amazing art. Consumers are the ones who find and share and like those things.” I cleared my throat and smiled at the fan. “I was a creator. Started writing fanfiction when I was eleven years old with some truly terrible Buffy fics.”

“Really?! What was your genre? Did you have a tumblr?”

“Uh, I no longer have a tumblr. I didn’t post much on there, anyway. I was more of an AO3 author. My genre…” I bounced my head back and forth. “It really depended. I wrote epics, generally. I’d get an idea in my head and start writing and then, I just couldn’t find a good way to end 'em, so I’d just keep addin’ and addin’. Had one fic that I started in 2013 and still hadn’t finished when I got the part and had to take a step back from all of my nerdery. Oh, I did have a good bunch of reader-inserts, too. I loved writing those.”

“How’d you get into acting?” The next question asked.

As I relayed my beginnings, (high school, the real world, the new life after divorce, the open call, the amazing callback) Ruth sat politely, her legs crossed. “I love acting. I forgot, for a long time how much I actually love becoming someone new.”

“What would be your dream role?”

“I would  _love_ to play Eliza or Angelica Schuyler in a production of Hamilton. I’d probably pull off Eliza better because Angelica has this one high note I have trouble with, but…” I shrugged and moved on to the next question.

“So, what was it like to meet everyone from the show for the first time?”

Ruth went first on that one, explaining that she’d felt out of her element and incredibly small compared to everyone else, but then I took over. “So, when I went to Atlanta, I was Silver, right? So I got Osric, Briana, Kim, Mark Sheppard and the Js for free autos, right? And I met Rob and Rich in a bar on Thursday night and I bought a Swain shirt so I got to have them sign that. Only missed out on Misha, Matt, Jason, Ruth and Sebastian Roche. I was  _fine_ with my autos for everyone, made small talk with the guys from Swain, joked with Os, I was great. Comes time to get my hat signed by the Js, right? They call for my row to go to Jensen’s side first and I’m waiting in this long-ass line and I’m  _fine_.” I enunciated the last word and the audience laughed. “So, we’re creeping along in this line and I’m fine. And we’re getting close to the curtain and I’m fine, and I’m watching people walk out of the curtain in various stages of excited and I’m fine. And I’m watching the IAmAlive people standing there to offer support and I’m fine, and then I get to the curtain and I can see Jensen sitting at the table and I am  _not_  fine.” I laughed at the memory and the audience laughed at the totally relatable feeling.

“My legs feel heavy, my heart is pounding and, for a minute, I forget how to walk. My hat had DW on one side and SW on the other and I was shaking as I handed it to the assistant and pointed to the DW side. Jensen looks up at me, notices that I am mortified and, as a joke to loosen me up a bit, goes to sign the SW side. I don’t see it as a joke. I almost let him do it because the idea of telling him he’s signing the wrong side…” I put my hands up to pretend like my head was exploding. “…but I stumbled out a 'The other side’ and he turned the hat around and signed the right side without a word. Then he thanked me and handed it back and I walked out of the curtain… and promptly fell to my knees. I guess I wasn’t breathing while I was in front of him, or something.” I laughed.

“The IAmAlive ladies were so worried about me. I had to sit for a few minutes before I went over to get Jared’s auto. I dealt better with his, by leaps and bounds. Anyway, I, uh, told you this whole thing so that you can understand that when I walked into the Hair and Makeup trailer and Jensen was sitting in the chair, I almost ran away. Meeting Jared was easy, meeting Misha was cake, but speaking actual words to Jensen was… unbelievably hard. Oh, my god, and there’s a scene coming up soon where Tara shows up to give info on a case to Dean and he’s just gotten out of the shower and I think they wrote that in just so that they’d have some footage of me for the gag reel. Seriously, I’ve never been as flustered as I was that day.”

After a few more generic questions, Stephen walked out and sat behind his drums. “Wow. I guess that means it’s time to go. That flew by. Y'all enjoy the rest of your night. I’ll see you beautiful Friday People tonight at Karaoke!” I said, waving at them before heading off of the stage.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jensen and Jared flew in early on Saturday. They got settled in their expensive hotel and Jensen texted me to come see him. I sneaked away from the con and easily made my way to Jensen’s room. When he opened the door, he smiled that bright smile, but I could see how tired he was. “Hey! You made good time. You gonna come sing tonight?”

“Probably. 'Whipping Post’ always gets 'em in a frenzy.” He leaned against the dresser across the room from the bed and looked down at me, smirking. “So… you should have  _never_ admitted to the fans that you used to write fanfiction.”

My face fell at that. “Oh, God.”

He chuckled. “Yeah, I guess you were still on stage when the call went out across Tumblr and Twitter for anybody who may have read any of your stories. You know they’re not gonna rest until they find the Supernatural stories you’ve written.”

“I never said I wrote Supernatural stories.”

“You definitely  _did_ , though.” He said, matter-of-factly.

I closed my eyes, completely mortified. “How bad is this? Like, is it 'don’t talk to me ever again 'cause you’re an obsessive freak’ bad or 'gonna make fun of me for the rest of forever’ bad?”

He chuckled. “Definitely the second one.”

I opened my eyes and looked up at him. He was still smiling. Good. “I think I can handle that.”

“You should’ve let us know you write porn.”

I rolled my eyes and playfully punched his chest. “Excuse you. I write plot  _with_ porn, thank you. Even my one-shots have plot.”

“Yeah, yeah. Porn is porn. You can dress it up with a storyline but it’s still erotica.”

“Oh, whatever.” I said, walking toward the door.

“You goin’ back to the con, already?” He asked, grabbing my hand.

I swallowed nervously. Physical contact with him always does that to me. “I… I mean, unless you have a reason for me to stay. I’ve got my solo panel in a half an hour.”

“Nah, but you’re going to come back here after the Saturday Night Special.”

“Oh, am I?”

“Yeah. We’re gonna have some drinks and you’re gonna tell me about your stories.”

I sighed, trying to seem put out. “Fine.”

************

I dressed in a purple push-up bra, a grey spaghetti strap shirt and a beige sweater with a black pencil skirt and black high heeled boots. I was shaking as Louden Swain did their thing. I was trying to focus on the music, the lyrics, the amazing prospect of being backstage at a fucking Louden Swain concert but all I could focus on was the fact that I’d be singing in front of a thousand people. “You look terrified.” Jensen said, walking up and handing me a beer.

I scoffed. “I feel like I need a stronger word than that.”

“How about 'panic-stricken’?” He offered. I laughed. “Hey, you’re gonna be fine. I used to be scared of singing in front of people, too.”

“Yeah, but you’re  _you_. You’re a fucking rock star, and these people would love anything you did on that stage. I… I am not a rock star.”

“But they’re gonna love you, anyway. How could they  _not_?” Jensen wrapped his arms around me. “Did I mention that you look like Miranda Lambert tonight?” He whispered in my ear.

“Oh, man. That is high praise. Between that, the alcohol and the music, got me feelin’ sexy.”

“You should always feel sexy.” He said, with a wink, as the music died down.

I took a deep breath as Rob started speaking into the microphone. “We still doing okay? Good. All right, the next person we’d like to invite onstage with us is a brand new member of our family, but we think she’s gonna be a favorite. Please give it up for Miss y/n y/l/n!” I walked out to a cry of applause. I stepped up to the microphone and pulled it down to my height. “How you doin’, y/n?”

“I’m nervous as fuck, Rob. How 'bout yourself?” I answered into the mic, turning to look at him while still facing the audience.

“Well, just don’t fuck it up. You’ll be all right. You ready, Adam?” Rob asked Adam Malin, who was stationed at the keyboard. Adam threw up an 'ok’ sign and I took a deep breath as everything went silent. He started to play the opening 4 measures and there were a few whoops in the audience.

“ _Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses? You been out ridin’ fences for so long now. Oh, you’re a hard one, and I know that you got your reasons, but these things that are pleasin’ you, can hurt you somehow.”_  Rob, Billie and Borja joined in then, playing lightly along with Adam and singing 'oooh’. 

_“Don’t you draw the Queen of Diamonds, boy. She’ll beat you if she’s able. You know the Queen of Hearts is always your best bet. Now it seems to me, some fine things, have been laid upon your table, but you only want the ones that you can’t get. Desperado, oh, you ain’t gettin’ no younger. Your pain and your hunger, they’re drivin’ you home. And freedom, oh freedom well, that’s just some people talkin’. Your prison is walking through this world all alone.”_  And here Stephen came in with the drums. 

_“Don’t your feet get cold in the winter time? The sky won’t snow and the sun won’t shine, it’s hard to tell the night time from the day. You’re losin’ all your highs and lows. Ain’t it funny how the feeling goes away? Oh, away-ay-ay. Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses? Come down from your fences, open the gate. It may be rainin’, but there’s a rainbow above you. You better let somebody love you, (let somebody love you), you better let somebody love you-oooh before it’s too late.”_

As soon as I stopped singing, I fled the stage and immediately found myself in Jensen’s leather-wrapped arms. “You’re shaking. Why are you shaking? You were  _amazing_.” I laughed, completely disbelieving. “No, seriously. You did a great job. Hey, I drank the rest of your beer, but here’s a whiskey.” He said, walking me toward a table, where there was a bottle of Bulliet Bourbon and a couple cups. He filled two cups and handed one to me. “You really did an amazing job. I got chills at 'Don’t your feet get cold in the wintertime’.”

I blushed and looked down, taking a drink of my bourbon. “I’ve been singin’ that song since I was JJ’s age. It’s one of those songs that, no matter how screwed up I get, I can’t mess up or forget the lyrics.”

“Yeah? Lot of The Eagles in that list?”

“'Hotel California’ was the first song I ever did karaoke. The lyrics on the screen were wrong, I corrected them.”

“Oh, that’s a good one.” He said, pulling his phone from his jacket (The black leather one that hugs him so nice) and tapping his fingers against it quickly. “Hey, I saw the pictures Rich put up from your last time at a con. You looked so excited.”

“I did say that it was the best weekend of my life, right?”

“Yeah. 'Til you met me, anyway.” I giggled and we drank. Other guests came and went and I’m fairly certain that the folks in the front row could hear me singing along to the Swain songs. “Okay. I’m next. Hey, come watch from the curtain.” Jensen pulled me toward the stairs to the stage as Rob started talking about 'this next guest is a very talented man and a wonderful human being and he is one of the best actors I’ve ever had the pleasure of working with and I’m sure everyone else that’s worked with him would agree. Mr. Jensen Ackles!“

The screaming was almost deafening when Jensen stepped in front of the crowd. "What’s up, Jacksonville?!” More screaming as the music started up. I stood just off the stage, but I knew that no one would be looking at me, even if I were standing right next to the man.  _“I’ve been run down! And I’ve been lied to. I don’t know why, I let that mean woman make me a fool.”_  I swallowed as he turned to me and winked.

“That man is like sex personified, innit he?” Ruth said, dreamily as she walked up to watch with me.

“ _She took all my money! Wrecked my new car. Now she’s with one of my good time buddies, drinkin’ in some cross town bar. Sometimes I feel, sometimes I feel, Like I’ve been tied, to the whipping post. Tied to the whipping post. Tied to the whipping post. Good lord I feel like I’m dyin’._ ” My knees actually went weak at the sound of his voice. I remembered being in the audience, screaming my lungs out in Atlanta when he sang the same song, but now I couldn’t even speak. God, he really is a rock star and he looks so damn happy out there. 

“ _My friends tell me, that I’ve been such a fool, oh. And I have to stand down and take it, baby. All for lovin’ you. I drown myself in sorrow, as I look at what you’ve done. Nothin’ seems to change. Bad times stay the same. And I can’t run. Sometimes I feel, sometimes I feel, Like I’ve been tied, to the whipping post. Tied to the whipping post. Tied to the whipping post. Oh, good lord I feel like I’m dyin’.”_

Jensen ran off the stage as Swain started the instrumental bridge. I looked up at him with admiration. “You’re amazing.” I whispered. He kissed the top of my head as he grabbed a bottle of water from one of the volunteers and drained it.

“We’re singing 'Hotel California’ as my encore. Try to look like you’re less in love with me when you get on stage.” He said, as he handed the rest of the water to me. My face must’ve shown my mortification, because he kissed my cheek and smiled at me. “Have another drink. You’ll be fine.” He said, before hopping back onto the stage.

“ _Sometimes I feel, sometimes I feel, like I’ve been tied to the whipping post. Tied to the whipping post. Tied to the whipping post. Oh, good lord I feel like I’m dyin’!_ ” There were a few more moments of the song and then screams and applause. “All right, Rob, what do you think about doin’ another one?” The audience exploded. “Awesome. Need a little extra harmony for this one. Y/n/n!”

I took a deep breath and reentered the stage. Jensen handed me a mic as everyone brought up the lyrics and chords to 'Hotel California’. “Just sayin’ that I only agreed to one song and I’ve had a  _significant_ amount of liquor since 'Desperado’.” I said into the mic, which caused laughter throughout the audience.

“Get over it. You know this song like the back of your hand.” Jensen said as they started to play. We sang in harmony, going hard when it came to the best parts. He sang from the microphone in my hands, standing close and putting his right hand on my lower back. When we got to ’ _How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat_ ’ his hand moved downward, resting nicely on my ass. I chalked it up to the alcohol and continued the song, not letting myself get flustered, but when we got to the end, Jensen put his arm around my shoulders and walked me down the stairs to the backstage area. He didn’t seem all that drunk. “They’ll be tweeting about that in a few minutes. Come on, let’s go back to my hotel.”

“You know, that would sound like a proposition if you were saying it to anybody else.” He didn’t respond, just chuckling and walking me out of the Green Room, completely ignoring the security guys who tried to follow after us, except Clif, who held the doors for us.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jensen pulled the leather off of his arms and dropped onto the bed when we got to the room and looked up at me. “You really were a rock star tonight.” I gushed.

“You, too. You were amazing tonight.” He said, smiling.

“Thanks. But you… need to watch your hands, man.” I said, moving to stand directly in front of him, his bowed legs framing my own. “You wouldn’t want people to get the wrong idea, rumors end up getting back to Danneel, right?”

“I’ve told you, y/n, Danneel is  _not_ the jealous type. We learned a long time ago that the best way to keep a marriage alive in this business is with openness and understanding.” He reached out and took my hand, running his thumb across the back of it. “Emphasis on 'open’.”

It took me minute, probably because he was touching me in that soft way, to realize what he meant. “You have an open marriage?” I whispered.

He nodded. “There’s rules, of course. Don’t get caught on film. Don’t let anyone except Jared know. No unprotected sex, 'cause she’s the only one allowed to have my babies. And the most important rule: Dee has to approve any woman I bring into my bed.” He pulled me forward into his lap. “Danneel  _really_ likes you. You’re earnest, cute and you’re an amazing mother.”

“She’s never even met me.” I whispered, adjusting myself in his lap to straddle him more comfortably.

“But I talk about you  _all_ the time. I kinda love you, kid.” Jensen’s eyes were shining at me and my heart was pounding.

“Jensen… are you pranking me?” I asked, pulling back and looking around the room for Jared or Misha or a camera.

His answer was a kiss. It wasn’t hard or expectant, just two soft lips moving against two shocked ones, but it was like Heaven. I closed my eyes and melted into the kiss. He pulled back and looked at me with those gorgeous green eyes. “Not a prank. Just a man, significantly older than you, who thinks it’s ridiculous that you don’t know you’re beautiful. Thinks you’re blind that you’ve never noticed that I get lost in your eyes.” He brushed my hair out of my eyes and our eyes met. “You can say 'no’. Most women wouldn’t want to be the 'other woman’, even if it’s completely sanctioned.”

I swallowed, nervously, bringing my hands up to run them through his hair. God, I love his hair. “Not tonight.” I whispered, looking into his eyes. “I’m not saying 'no’. I  _wouldn’t_. Just… not tonight.”

“Why?” He whispered, running his hands down my arms and then letting them sit on my hips.

I chuckled, enjoying the feel of him, the smell of him, the look in his eyes. “Jensen, I haven’t been…  _with_ anyone since Nate.” I blushed and bit my lip. “I stopped landscaping years ago. Give me some time to-”

He leaned his head forward to kiss me again, nibbling a bit on my bottom lip, too. “You’re adorable.”

“I’m also fairly certain I’m passed out and this is a drunk dream.”

He chuckled. “You got anything going on tomorrow?”

“Got my last set of autos, that’s it.”

“No ops?”

“No, I did all of mine on Friday. There weren’t that many, 50 or so between mine and the Witch Duo pics.”

“Then we could sneak away tomorrow for…  _lunch_. Jared’ll cover for us.” He dug his fingers into my hips a little and a rush of heat hit me between my legs.

I shook my head, slipping off of his lap. “No. No sneaking off for a lunchtime quickie.”

“Damn. You know, I said you could say 'no’, but I didn’t think you’d say 'no’  _and_ 'yes’.” He shook his head at me.

“Jensen, I have literally  _dreamed_ of you asking me into your bed. The first time I see you naked…” I shivered a bit at the words coming out of my mouth. “I wanna take my time. So, we’ll just have to wait until we get back to Vancouver.”

“Guess I can wait 'til Monday. I’ve been waiting for a couple weeks, already, few more days won’t kill me.”

I looked down at him. “A couple weeks?”

“Yeah. The day before you left, that’s when I asked Dee for permission.”

I scoffed, shaking my head. “That’s why she okayed me stayin’ at your apartment? 'Cause she okayed all of it?”

“Exactly.”

“Wow. I feel totally behind the power curve.”

“It’s okay.” He stood, towering over me. “You gonna go back to the party?”

“Feel like I should.” I whispered, looking up into his eyes. “They were expecting me to be there.”

“Jared’s not.” Jensen commented, pushing me lightly into the wall next to the closet.

“Oh, Jared already knows?” I squeaked.

“Jared knew I was interested in you before I ever said a word.” Jensen leaned down and captured my lips again. “You should get going, or I’m gonna insist on getting naked with you.”

I nodded, knowing how flushed my face was, and pushed away from the wall. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yes, you will. Bye, Baby Girl.”


	5. Sanctioned

I had to take a few minutes to calm myself before I walked into the SNS after party. My brain was running in overdrive. There was no way that just happened. No way Jensen just asked me to be his mistress. No way. I took a deep breath and walked into the party, smiling at the guards by the door. Jared’s eyes widened when he saw me and he made a beeline for the table where I was pouring myself a drink. “Hey.” He said, cautiously.

“Don’t worry, J-pad, everything’s fine.” I assured, quietly.

Jared sat next to me, looking around. There were too many people around to speak candidly, but he sure wanted to speak, anyway. “Are you sure everything is okay? ‘cause Jensen really had his heart set?”

I scoffed and took a drink of my rum and Coke. “And that’s…  _freaky_ , but he’s just gonna have to wait 'til we get back to Canada.”

Jared’s face lit up as he laughed. “Bet he didn’t expect you to say that.”

I laughed, too, a bit of relief coursing through me. “Yeah. He was not expecting that, at all.” I took another drink and leaned forward. “So, I have to ask how, uh… how often does he-”

“Do this?” Jared anticipated the question. I nodded. “Since they got married in twenty-ten? There’s been one other.” He answered, quietly.

“Really?”

“Yeah. This, uh, nice CW marketing director. She didn’t last long.”

I swallowed. “Why?”

“She didn’t want to share.” He answered, simply. “Started out perfectly fine with it, but she wanted more than what Jay was offering.”

I looked around the room. Most people were congregated around Rob and his guitar. “What, she wanted a real relationship?”

“A public one. She wanted PDA and pictures and to be able to tell her family that she was dating someone. Think  _you_ can handle it?”

I chuckled. “I don’t even know what I’m getting myself into.”

“He didn’t, uh, explain?”

“No, I mean… I just…” I sighed. I licked my lips and chose my words carefully. “It’s an incredibly casual thing that was proposed.”

“Yeah, I guess. Uh, kinda.”

“I get that. The serious is with  _her_. But…” I bit my bottom lip, trying to not feel stupid with the way my words were failing me. “Casual, yet he’s invited me to live with him?”

“Well, look, I’m just the best friend, here.” He leaned forward and smiled at me. “But, I think casual doesn’t have to be the same as secret. There’s nothing 'casual’ about the way Jay feels about you.”

“What?” I blinked at him.

Jared shook his head. “You’re oblivious.”

“Wait, I’m confused.”

“Look, you know how I knew he was gonna ask?” Jared started. One of the Creation workers came up and handed him a beer, which he took and nodded his thanks about. He took a drink, his eyes following the worker before he continued. “The first time he tried to get you to hang out with us and you said 'no’, it ate him up. And that week where he only saw you on set? He was way irritable. He really cares about you and wanted to see you, y/n.”

“Yeah.” I said, disbelieving.

“No, seriously. I mean, obviously, she’s the…” He reached up to scratch at his beard with his short fingernails. “She’s the greatest love of his life, but he can still care about you and want to be…”

“Yeah, I get it.” I took a deep breath. “I’m gonna fuck this up.”

“No, you’re not.”

I nodded, taking another drink. “Sure.”

“Seriously-”

“Fine, Jared. I believe you.” I urged, as intently and quietly as I reached across the table to grab the bottle of rum. I filled my cup to the brim with rum and started to drink.

I didn’t drink water. I was so focused on drinking away my nerves that I forgot my Number One Rule of Drinking. I’m not sure how I got back to my hotel room, I think Clif and Jared got me back, but when I walked into the con hotel a little before noon the next morning, I was being held up by Dramamine, coffee, and Aleve. I watched the end of Jared and Jensen’s second panel from the back corner and no one noticed me. Of course, why would they when J2 were on stage?

Three Creation volunteers set up a table in the back of the auditorium and I sat down at it, ugly sunglasses that I bought at the hotel gift shop on my face.  ***LAST CHANCE: now taking PDF and paper autograph tickets for y/n y/l/n in the back of the Main Auditorium***  scrolled along the bottom of the screen and, as Louden Swain walked out, the Js stood. “Before we go, we gotta check on the little lady in the back. She drank a bit heavily last night.” Jared smiled as he said it, but I could tell that Jensen was actually worried. I tried to wave them off while they were still on the stage, but they descended the stairs and walked along the wall to me. “You okay?” Jared asked.

“I’m fine.” I assured, smiling at Jensen in an attempt to show him that I was telling the truth. “Just… first hangover in, like, 5 years, so… Forgot how much they suck.” I looked up at Jared with as close as my tired eyes could get to a glare. “You should’ve made me drink water last night.”

“What am I, your dad?” He joked.

“You’re  _supposed_ to be my friend.”

Jensen bit his lip. “So, was that celebratory drinking or-”

“Nervous drinking. I’m totally gonna fuck this up… drinking.” I whispered, fiddling with my Sharpies.

Jensen chuckled. “I promise you won’t. Don’t worry about it. You want a bottle of water?”

“I want… you to go away 'cause there’s fans ten feet away trying to listen to our convo. Go do your ops. I’ll see you in the Green Room.”

Jensen smiled. “She’s fine. Just listen to that sass.”

“I’m gonna kick your sass if you don’t move.” I mumbled.

“This the kinda wordplay you put in your stories, kid? 'cause I’d put a bit more effort in, if I were-”

“Go see Chris, old man!”

Jensen chuckled, leaning down to kiss the top of my head. “This old man’s gonna have you screaming his name when we get back to Vancouver.” He whispered into my hair.

I took a deep steadying breath as he pulled back, winked and headed for the side door, guards and Creation associates guiding them toward the photo op room.

“What was that about?” My Creation assistant, Keri, asked.

“That’s just how Jensen shows affection for the little people.” I dismissed as Stephani walked up on stage to let everyone know I was set up for my final round of autographs.

It took twenty minutes and it would’ve been about half that if I hadn’t been drawn into a conversation about my favorite of Buffy’s boyfriends.

“Oh, Parker. Hands down.” I laughed at the confused look on the teen’s face. “No, obviously not him. Not Riley either, because he was cute but too easily corrupted. Spike, though… came  _pre_ -corrupted and she bettered him.”

“Yeah, but don’t you think their whole storyline was really dark?”

“Dark cloud with a silver lining. Buffy came back with a lot of pain and she  _couldn’t_ share that with the people she loved. Anyone with depression will tell you, you don’t want your pain to hurt your family, but Buffy found something she could hurt. And Spike understood, he was there for that.”

“But isn’t it skeezy to have, like, this secret sex affair that you can’t tell anyone about?”

“She told Tara.” I chuckled, trying to not feel skeezy about my own secret sex affair I was about to embark on. “Anyway, Spike’s my Champion. He got to drink the Mountain Dew.”

“The what?”

“It’s just something from the final season of Angel. Spike’s better than Angel. The end.”

“But you like Angel enough to watch his show?”

“Once I had no more Buffy I started watching the spin-off and I am a fan of Angelus, not Angel.”

“Really?” The fan seemed confused as to why I’d prefer the evil one. Oh, to be that innocent and vanilla again.

“I just have a love affair with the whole villain aesthetic. They’re generally intelligent, manipulative, charming and handsome, with an 'I don’t give a fuck’ attitude. They know what they want and they go for it. So, you know, Jareth from  _Labyrinth_ , Loki from the MCU, Negan from  _The Walking Dead_ , Andrew Scott’s Moriarty… Bellatrix Lestrange from  _Harry Potter_ …” I let my mind wander back to  _Supernatural_. “Crowley, Lucifer, especially Casifer, Abaddon, demon Dean…”

I cleared my throat and fixed my focus. “Anyway. Some chicks dig the bad boy thing. I happen to be one of them, when it comes to fictional characters.” I smiled. “In real life, I like wholesome guys. Down to Earth, sweet… awesome guys.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was done with my autos, I went back to the Best Western, packing and taking a bath, with oils and flower petals. I relaxed in the water until my skin was soft and wrinkling and then I pulled out shaving cream and a razor.

After my bath, I put on a flowing dress, the hem hanging just above my knees. I checked out and went back to the con hotel, leaving my bags in the Green Room. I went back to the Main Auditorium and found Jensen in the corner behind a large black curtain.

“Hey, kid. Thought you left without saying 'Goodbye’. Come sit with me?” He pulled the empty middle seat out and patted it. I took the offer and smiled at him. “You smell good.” He said, nonchalantly.

“Yeah. Needed to take a bath before I got on the plane.” I responded as a fan walked up and handed over a picture, which I slid down the table to Jensen.

He smiled at the fan and signed her picture. “You get that landscaping done?” He didn’t even look at me as he said it, smiling at the fan walking up with a blanket.

“Yes, I did.” I smiled at the fan, too, admiring the crocheted blanket of his face. “This is super cool. Did you make this?”

“Uh, yeah!”

“What kind of yarn?” Jensen asked. The fan launched into an enthusiastic explanation of making the blanket and Jensen and I nodded, enthusiastically as she told the story. Jay’s left hand dropped off of the table as she spoke, long fingers finding my knee and slowly started to move up my thigh, the hem of my dress moving along with his hand.

“Jensen!” I forced a bright smile and looked at him. “It’s super cool and everything, but I’m certain you need move the line along.”

He moved his hand back to the table and smiled at the fan. “It  _is_ super cool, but she’s right.”

“You can have it, if you want.” She offered.

Jensen chuckled. “No. I couldn’t. As much as my kids would love a Daddy blanket, my wife would think it’s weird. Besides, you made it, you should enjoy it.” He said, scrawling his autograph across the blue corner of the blanket.

“What did I say about your hands?” I whispered as another fan walked up to the table.

“Had to make sure you didn’t miss a spot.”

I nodded, standing. “I’m gonna head to the airport. I just wanted to say 'Goodbye’ to everybody.”

Jensen looked up at me. “Woman, we’re on the same flight back. Don’t you dare try to leave early.”

“Fine. I’ll be in the Green Room, but if your autos go long, I’m getting an Uber and going without you.”

I waited for him in the Green Room, watching as the others came and went. It only took about ten minutes for my phone to start going off with texts from him.

**_I can’t wait to get you home._ **

I bit my lip and shook my head, before typing out a response.  ** _Stop, Jay. We can’t do this, not here._**

_**I’m sitting here thinking bout that cute little dress you’re wearing, how smooth your skin is. Wish I was wearing looser jeans.** _

I shivered and licked my lips before responding the only way I could think to. ** _I’m ignoring you._**

**_No youre not. You’re thinking about what’s gonna happen when we get back to Vancouver too. You want me to tell you everything I’m planning to do to you?_ **

“Yes.” I whispered to myself before responding.  ** _NO!!! Come on, Jay. You’re supposed to be working, not texting me._**

**_*Sexting* you is what I’m doing. And I can do both at the same time. I can sign shit while texting you dirty things._ **

I took a deep breath, telling myself to be strong, but ultimately, I just bit my lip and slouched down further in my chair.  ** _Fine. I want to know what you’re planning to do to me._**

_**Knew you wanted to play.**_  There was a long break after that text and I had almost come to my senses when the next text came through.  ** _I’m gonna fuckin worship you. I’m gonna make you cum on my fingers and my tongue before you ever even see my dick. You’re gonna scream my name until you’re hoarse. You’re gonna have bruises on your hips in the shape of my fingers and when you think you can’t take anymore, I’m gonna show you just how wrong you are._**

My throat went dry. I tried to swallow, but I couldn’t. “Shit.” I tapped on the message and locked it so that it wouldn’t get deleted.  ** _And do I get to worship you?_**

_**Do you want to, Baby Girl?** _

**_Fuck yeah. All I want is to get down on my knees in front of you and gag myself on your cock._ **

_**Fuck, y/n/n, I can picture that. I am so hard, right now… I wish we didn’t have to wait.** _

I sighed and looked to the Heavens for the strength to end this.  ** _I know, but we have to. How many more rows do you have?_**

_**Last two rows are lined up on the wall. 20 mins at most. Sure yo don’t wanna find a broom closet and getsome of this tesnion out of or sytsems?** _

I chuckled and stood.  _ **You’re so riled up that you aren’t spelling right, anymore. I can’t, in good conscience, take advantage of your horniness. See you on the plane, Ackles.**_

__**Don’t you dare!  
y/n! Come on!  
Don’t go to the airport without me.**

My phone started to ring as I grabbed my bags. “Don’t go to the airport, yet. I wanna ride with you.” He said as soon as I answered the phone.

“No, you wanna ride  _me_.” I whispered. “I think I have shown an extraordinary amount of strength here, man, and I don’t know how much longer I can… seriously, you don’t know how much I’d love to take you up on your broom closet offer, but it’s just too dangerous. So, I’m gonna go to the airport and I will see you on the fuckin’ plane and you are going to refrain from Mile High Club jokes or offers or whatever and then we’re gonna go home, okay?”

There was a moment of silence before he replied, “Okay. Fine. I’ll see you on the plane. Guess we’ll both have to be strong.”

“Right.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He nodded at me on the plane as he walked toward First Class, but beyond that Jensen pretty much ignored me until we got out of the airport and in the back of our cab. He waited until we’d pulled away from the airport and were on Marine headed toward the apartment before he turned to me. He must’ve been making sure that the paparazzi were far behind before he put his hand on my thigh. “Fuck, Baby Girl, I cannot wait to get you home.” He leaned close, his lips brushing against my ear.

“So you keep saying, but Jay-”

“Open these pretty legs, sweetheart.”

“Jay, the driver.” I whispered.

“You’re no fun.” He responded, but he sat back. His hand stayed on my thigh, though, slowly moving upward as he looked out the windshield. I can’t tell you what street we were on when his fingers made contact with his goal, hand completely under the skirt of my dress, but…

I can tell you that the song on the cab’s stereo when he pulled my underwear to the side and began to run his fingertips along my slit was 'Black’ by Dierks Bentley, an appropriately sexual song that added mental imagery to the feeling of Jensen’s fingers and, my god, he’s a man of many talents.

By the time we turned onto the street where our apartment complex sits, he’d given up all pretense of looking out the windshield, leaning over and whispering in my ear as he furiously worked two fingers inside of me, the heel of his palm rubbing roughly against my clit. I was clinging to his massive forearm and the cabbie had turned the music up to full blast to cover the high-pitched whining sound I was emitting.

“Oh, Baby Girl, you feel so fuckin’ nice on my fingers. Can’t wait to get my dick in you. You’re so wet, so tight, dream come true, Baby.”

“J-jay, pl- fuck.” I whined.

“We’re almost home. You gonna cum before we get there? You gonna cum all over the backseat of this cab?”

“N-no.”

“Do I need to work harder, Baby Girl? Am I not worshiping you good enough?”

His teasing words made the wire snap and the orgasm that I’d been trying to fight and trying to chase crashed over me. The grin on his face as he pulled his hand back was enough to give me aftershocks. All I could do was straighten my dress as the cab pulled into the apartment complex and Jensen put the PIN in at the gate. “You know, you act all innocent, but you’re dirty as hell.” He chuckled as he peeled two red fifties from his money clip and handed them to the driver. “Get it detailed. Sorry 'bout the mess.”

I blushed as the driver turned to look at me. “Don’t worry about it, man. Least she’s cute.”

Jensen helped me out of the cab and we rounded to the trunk to get our bags. “That was so embarrassing, Jay.”

“You weren’t embarrassed a minute ago.”

“I couldn’t  _think_ a minute ago.”

He flashed a proud smile. “Don’t worry about it. You won’t be able to think in a few minutes, either.”

“Jay, what if he recognized-”

“Hey, man, you know who she is?” Jensen asked, as the driver came around to pop the trunk and help with the bags.

He looked at my face, pursed his lips, then shook his head. “Nope.”

“And what about me?”

The man turned his gaze to Jensen, then shrugged. “You used to be in a boy band?”

“See, we’re fine. He thinks I’m Justin Timberlake.” Jensen chuckled, grabbing his bag. “He’s not our target demo, y/n, he doesn’t know who we are. Besides, he’s a taxi driver… it kinda goes with the job to keep your mouth shut about the shit you see.”

I slung my bag over my shoulder and walked toward the building. Jensen’s arms wrapped around me from behind as soon as the door to our apartment closed behind him. I could feel that big bulge pressed into my back and my mouth watered a bit, but I pulled away from him, anyway. “Wait.”

“Wait? I’ve  _been_ waiting!”

I took a deep breath and turned to him. “I know, but we need some ground rules.”

“I told you the-”

I shook my head. “Those were Danneel’s rules. Now, it’s my turn.”

He sighed, leaning against the back of the recliner. “All right. Gimme your demands, ya terrorist.”

I took a deep breath. “Now, I trust you’re telling the truth and I’m totally committed to making our thing work, but I am going to have to talk to Danneel. I just… I have to make sure.”

Jensen smiled as he pulled his phone out. “You were exactly the right choice for this.” He said, but I think it was mostly to himself. The sound of a Skype call going through echoed in the living room and then connected. “Hey, babe.”

“Hey! You just make it back to Vancouver?” Her voice is like honey, even through a speaker phone.

“Yeah, we just got to the apartment.” He flashed a look at me. “Y/n wanted to talk to you, make sure I’m not a lying cheating no-good-”

“That’s not what I said.” I interjected.

“Give the woman the phone, Jensen.” Danneel demanded, obviously amused. He handed the phone over and I gave a tight smile to the woman on the screen. “Hi, sweetie. It’s nice to meet you, even if it’s over Skype.”

“It’s nice to meet you, too.” I said, which was true. Awkward, but nice.

“You don’t have to feel bad or guilty or anything. I helped pick you.” She smiled at my deer-in-the-headlights look. “He started talking about you all the time. 'Y/n did this’, 'Y/n said that’. If I were a jealous woman, things might be different, but I saw this as an opportunity.”

“Really?” I squeaked.

“Really. Jensen has a high sex drive, honey. He  _needs_ someone to fill that role when he’s away from me, or he gets…”

“Moody?” Jensen responded from a few feet away.

“I was going to say 'dickish’ but okay.” She smiled up at me from the screen. “We have troubles when he doesn’t have anybody and he hasn’t had anybody in a  _while_. He’s been in a better mood since you’ve been around and he hasn’t even fucked you, yet, so… I’ll take the blessing where I can.”

I nodded. She’s okay with this, so we can do it. “Okay. I just… had to be sure.” I said.

“The last one didn’t even wanna talk to me. She didn’t want me to exist, I think.” Danneel smiled again. “I really do like this one, Jay.”

Jensen took the phone back with a soft smile. “Yeah, me too.” He looked down at the screen in his hand. “I love you, Dee. I’ll call before we head to set, okay?”

“Okay, babe. I love you, too. Have fun!”

Jensen set his phone on the coffee table and sat in his recliner, turning to look at me. “See? Fully sanctioned. Anything else?”

I nodded. “When we’re in the bedroom, Dee doesn’t exist.” He raised an eyebrow. “Out here in the rest of the apartment, and out in the rest of the world, she’s the love of your life, but when we cross the threshold into the bedroom,  _I_  am.”

He licked his lips and nodded. “I can handle that.”

I felt a rush of confidence at his words and nodded, excitedly. “You provide protection. Now, I bought the first pack of condoms at the airport because I’m allergic to latex, so any condoms we use have to be poly. Also, I’m allergic to lube, so…”

“We won’t need it. Anything else?”

“You don’t use sex to mess with me at work. If this has to be a secret, then you have to keep your hands to yourself when we’re around other people, especially fans with cameras.”

“So, no groping you while we sing 'Hotel California’. Got it.”

“Or under the table during autographs.”

“Fine. Can I grope you  _now_?” Jensen asked, impatiently, as I pushed my hair behind my ears.

“I’m… super nervous, Jensen.”

He stood, closing the distance between us in one long stride. “I warmed you up in the car because I knew you’d be nervous, Baby Girl. Much as I think that’s just adorable… I want you to relax.” He pulled me to him and pressed his lips to mine.

I ceased to care about nervous as he pushed my jacket down my arms, fingers grasping at my skin as they pushed the fabric to drop to the floor at my feet. I grabbed his shirt and pulled him closer to me before pulling his leather jacket off of him. He broke off the kiss and pulled me toward the bedroom. I kicked my sandals off as we went and Jensen pulled his shirt off along the way. As soon as we were in the bedroom, he pulled my dress off over my head. He stepped back and let his eyes run over my body, a soft smile crossing his lips. I covered myself with my arms. “What?”

“You  _know_ what. You’re wearing Captain America boyshorts.” He chuckled, running his hands down my arms. “You knew that I was gonna be seeing you naked today and you put on Captain America underwear.”

I smirked. “I wanted to make sure you knew exactly what you were getting into.”

“Oh, Baby Girl. I know exactly what I’m getting into. I’m getting into your geeky underwear. Get on the bed.”

I reached behind my back and unhooked my plain blue bra, dropping it to the floor before I hopped on the bed. He followed me onto the mattress, dropping next to me and lying on his side. He ran his hand down my body, fingertips skimming lightly across my skin. “Let’s get these boyshorts off you.”

I lifted my hips to help as his fingertips caught the waistband of my adorable, and super comfy, boyshorts. As he inched the fabric down my legs, he followed with his lips, giving little kisses down the outside of my hip and thigh.

When he got my underwear off, he sat back on his heels and looked at me. I didn’t feel uncomfortable with his eyes on me, though. I didn’t notice my stretch marks or the loose skin on my arms because I could see in Jensen’s eyes that he didn’t notice them. “Damn. You’re beautiful.”

“Says the male model.” I responded, running my eyes down his chest.

“We’re not talkin’ 'bout my looks. We’re talkin’ 'bout yours. These gorgeous eyes, and this soft skin.” He ran his hands up my legs as he gently pulled them apart and settled between them. “These fuckin’ lips I’ve wanted to see wrapped around my dick since I saw 'em wrapped around a beer bottle.” He pressed his lips to mine as he began to knead my thighs. I wrapped my arms around his neck and tried to keep him in the kiss for a while, our tongues moving against each other. He pulled out of my embrace and started to kiss his way down my body to settle between my thighs.

He hooked my legs over his shoulders, caressing my hips with his thumbs. “Just close your eyes and relax, Baby Girl.” I did as I was told but my eyes snapped open with a gasp as the tip of his tongue started tracing my pussy lips, teasing me.

“God, Jay.” I breathed.

“Just gettin’ started.” He responded. He moved his hands to open my lips and started to lick slow stripes from my entrance to my clit, lightly sucking the little nub of nerve-endings between his lips before moving to repeat the action. Those talented fingers of his took up residence inside of me, pumping and curling at me walls as his tongue lapped at my clit. I was making the high-pitched whining noise and my hands were buried in his hair and I was vaguely concerned with what his neighbors might think, but it felt so amazing and he was looking at me from between my legs and his eyes were so fucking green and his teeth scraped across my clit and I came hard on his fingers. He pulled his hand away and stuck his tongue in my cunt, lapping up my cum like it was life-giving.

He pulled back, smirking, and licked his fingers. “You okay, kid?”

“Fuck, Jensen.” I chuckled, airily. “No one has ever made me make that noise.”

“You’ve never been worshiped before, Baby Girl.”

“You’re right.” I sat up, hands going to the waistband of his jeans. “Can I worship  _you_ now?”

He licked his lips and smiled at me. “Worship away, y/n.” I bit my bottom lip as I popped the button of his jeans and slowly unzipped them. “Fuckin’ love when you bite that lip.”

I smiled as I started to pull his pants down. When I finally freed his cock from his ethika boxers, I had to stare at it in awe for a moment. It was, honestly, the biggest I’d ever seen, bigger than my ex-husband by several inches in length and in girth. My hand shook a little as I grasped it, lightly. I took a deep breath. “Wow. I was kinda confident in my abilities before I saw this. You are… damn.”

He smirked, flopping backward and kicking his jeans and boxers off as his head bounced on his pillows. He wrapped his own hand around his cock and gave it a few good pumps. “I’m sure you’ll do fine, Baby Girl. It’s not  _that_ big.”

I chuckled, crawling up the bed to settle between his thighs. “My ex-husband was 5 inches at his hardest, no thicker than an Expo marker. I was a wizard with that thing. This is  _gigantic_ , by comparison.”

“Oh, sweetheart, that’s just sad.”

“I mentioned the depression, right?” I joked. “It wasn’t  _just_ because he was a terrible husband.”

He chuckled as I got into a comfortable position and wrapped my hand around the base. I flattened my tongue and ran it along the tip, paying close attention to his slit before opening my mouth as wide as I could and let him slide along my tongue until his tip pressed into the back of my throat. I relaxed, took a breath through my nose and pushed myself further down his shaft. He grunted, his hand coming down to bury in my hair as the tip of my nose bumped his pubic bone. “Fuck, y/n/n.” He groaned.

I started to repeat the action, over and over, gaining a bit more speed every time I went through the motion. It was easy to pick up speed, though, with Jensen’s large right hand gently urging me from the back of my head. I pulled back, wiping at my lips as he beckoned me to the top of the bed. I crawled to him and dropped to the pillow on the right. “Better at that than I was expecting to be.” I smiled and bit my lip as he rolled on top of me and looked down at me.

“You were  _amazing_ at that. My god, you were so good.” He licked his lips, then licked mine. “Where are those condoms you bought, Baby Girl?”

I chuckled, finally in a position to make the joke I’d been dying to make since the first time he called me that. “They’re in my bag in the living room, and if you insist on calling me 'Baby Girl’, I’m gonna have to start calling you 'Daddy’.”

He smiled brightly as he rolled off the bed. “Well, that’s not my kink, Baby Girl, but if it gets you revving, I won’t complain.” He winked and strode out of the bedroom in all his naked glory.

My god. How did I get so fuckin’ lucky?

When he walked back in, he was in the process of rolling the condom up his length. He knelt on the bed and crawled up my body, placing little nibbling kissing up my abs and stopping to suck at my nipples. He lined himself up with my entrance and looked down at me. “You ready, y/n?”

I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him down for a deep kiss. “Fuck me before you change your mind.” I ordered, with a chuckle.

“Yes, ma'am.” He pushed his hips forward, but he didn’t get far. Between his size, my two-year celibacy, and the kegels I’ve been doing my whole damn life, it was a tight fit. Jensen just pulled back to the tip, then pushed back in, getting a little further in. He did it again and again, until he bottomed out in me, his balls resting against my ass. “Damn. Never had to work so hard to get inside a woman.”

“I do kegel exercises.” I breathed out as he started to kiss my neck.

“Oh, do you?” He whispered in my ear before taking my earlobe between his teeth. “When do you do that?”

“When I’m… bored or… have nothing to do for a while… about half the flight home.” I clenched my inner muscles around him and he hissed into my ear. “When I’ve got a big cock in my pussy.”

“Fuck, Baby Girl. You got some strong muscles.”

I laughed. “Some of the only muscles I’ve got… the important ones.”

He kissed my neck and licked at my jawline. “Ready?”

“Yes, Jay. I am so ready.”

When he started to move inside me, it was like everything was right with the world. There was nothing acrobatic about it. It wasn’t anything out of the Kama Sutra and it wouldn’t have won an Adult Film Award if we’d been filming, but our first time together was perfect. I got lost in his eyes as he gave slow, deep pumps of his hips and his fingers traced my skin. My nails dug into his back, my eyelids squeezed shut as he started pounding into me. My feet hooked up against his neck, his thumb sweeping across my clit as I bit my lip and fisted the sheets. I screamed as I came again and he kissed my ankle and shin as his hips stuttered as he came into the condom.

We were panting as he pulled out of me and took the condom off. He flung it at a trashcan near the bathroom and grabbed his shirt off the floor to clean himself off. “I could get used to that.”

“Well, you better.” Jensen said, lying next to me and pulling me close to him. “That was great.”

“Yes, it was, Jay.” I looked at the alarm clock on the side table and sighed, contentedly. 9 am. He rocked my world for three hours. “When do you have to be on set?”

He snuggled against me, his nose rubbing along my neck. “One.”

“Do we have time for a nap?”

“After that performance, Baby Girl, I could sleep the rest of the day away.” He kissed my neck as I pulled the sheet over us.

“Me, too, Daddy.” I said, smirking.

“Why does that sound sexy coming from you?”

I laughed, lightly, and closed my eyes. I have never slept so well in my life.


	6. Marvel-ous

My phone woke me at a little past 11 with a text message from Bob Singer.  _ **Can you come to the studio today?**_

I groaned, rubbing at my eyes, not really wanting to get out of the warm bed that smelled like sex.  _ **Did they change the shoot schedule?**_

_**No. Trying to set up a meeting. Need you there.** _

_**Okay. I can come in at 1.** _

_**Great. see you then.** _

I reluctantly got out of bed and headed for the bathroom, taking a shower to replace the smell of Jensen with the smell of my body wash. When I got out, he was standing in the doorway nude, his hair messed up and a lazy smile on his face. “Good morning, Beautiful.”

“Good morning! I made sure I left hot water for you.”

“Well, I was hoping to shower with you, but I got outta bed too late. Next time, Baby Girl.” He kissed my forehead as he brushed by me to get his own shower.

I got dressed and put on a pot of coffee before starting on a breakfast of eggs, bacon and French toast. I was halfway through cooking when he walked into the kitchen, smelling like his cologne instead of our sex. I silently lamented the change, but smiled anyway, pointing at the coffee pot. “Hey, coffee’s ready.”

“Thanks. How do you want yours?” He asked, pulling two mugs out of the cupboard.

“Black is fine.”

“All right.” He placed a mug of coffee on the counter and wrapped his arm around my waist. “Hey, Clif’ll be here in twenty minutes. You make enough for him?”

I smirked. “Who do you think I am? Of course, I made enough coffee and brunch for your big, strong bodyguard.”

He kissed my neck and pulled away. “Hey, you’re living here and working with us… Clif is pretty much your bodyguard, too.”

I laughed. “Yeah, yeah.” I put together three plates and set them on the table next to the three mugs of coffee. “So I have to go with you to the studio.”

“That’s why you got out of bed?”

“That’s why I got out of bed.” I confirmed. “Bob said there’s a meeting I need to be at or something.”

“What meeting?” Jensen asked.

I shrugged. “I don’t know, Jay. He just said that he’s trying to set up a meeting and he needs me there.”

“Weird. I’m not on for a meeting. Wonder what that’s about.”

“You know I’ll tell you after.” I said, taking a drink of coffee.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As soon as we got to the studio, I was called to Bob’s office. I smiled as I entered, noticing a skinny woman in a dress-suit who I’d never seen was sitting in the chair opposite Bob’s desk. “Hey, Bob. Good morning.”

“Good morning, y/n. This is Sarah Finn, she’s a casting director who wanted to speak with you.”

“Really?” I blurted out as I reached out to shake the woman’s hand.

She stood and smiled as we shook hands. “We tried to find an agent to contact for us to get together with you, but it seems you don’t have one.”

I shook my head. “I’m not really a big… this is the only acting gig I’ve ever had, and they haven’t written me out yet, so… why pay an agent, you know? What, uh, what studio do you cast for? Your name’s so familiar.”

“Marvel, actually.” My eyes went wide and my jaw dropped, and she chuckled at the look on my face. “You’re confused, aren’t you?” She asked. I nodded. ‘Confused’ wasn’t quite the right word. 'Mortified’, maybe. “Well, Kevin Feige was flipping through channels a couple weeks ago and he caught a scene of  _Supernatural_ with your character in it. He adored your look and how expressive you are, down to your eyes.”

“Kevin Feige noticed my acting?”

“Yes. We’ve got a some plans for some cinematic shorts for the MCU. A bit of a palette-cleanser to keep people going after  _Infinity War_ , and we have written in a minor character that we weren’t previously considering for the MCU. We want to get to shooting as soon as possible, so we’re in a bit of a rush to get this cast. So, it’s pretty fortuitous that Kevin saw your performance. He wants you to play the part, if you want, of course.”

I must’ve been staring because Bob cleared his throat. “Oh, uh, of course! Yeah. I am a  _huge_ Marvel fan and I absolutely adore everything you guys are doing with the MCU and I would be ecstatic to be a part of it, even as a minor character.”

“Great. Well, I will need to tape a cold-read audition for you, something to take back to Kevin and the Russos, but I’d consider it a done thing.” She winked at me as she handed me a set of pages. “You’re reading for Cynthia.” I read over them as she set up a camera on a small tripod on Bob’s desk. It was a flashback to Loki putting Odin in the old folks home.

“It says 'with a slight accent’. What kind of accent?”

“If you can do German, but like German ex-pat who’s been in America most of your life, that’d be perfect. If not, we can work that out later, get you with someone to help you on that.”

“I’ll try. I used to work with somebody from Germany, so I’ll try to channel her.”

Sarah hit the record button and smiled. “Ready? I’ll read you in.” She cleared her throat. “And you’re certain he’ll be safe here?”

“Of course, Mr. Olson. Ve’re very goot at taking care of Alzheimer’s patients. Vee have a special wing specifically for zose wiz, uh, vat people his age vould call 'dementia’. Vee vill take goot care of him.”

“And he’ll have his own room? Also, I have to tell you, he’s a lot stronger than he looks. I hope you have some robust orderlies.”

The page said *laughs* so I giggled. “Vee haf very strong orderlies. In fact, one of our overnight boys does the muscle-building competitions. You know, viz the Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mr. Universe…” I trailed off, looking a bit awkward. “He’s not quite so tall as you but he is very strong.”

“I don’t live in the city, so if anything goes wrong, it’ll be difficult to get in touch with me. You can make autonomous decisions about his health, yes?”

“If you give his doctors Medical Power of Attorney, yes. If you don’t mind my asking, why do you-”

“I do mind. I’m incredibly busy. Go ahead and get the paperwork started, Cynthia. I’ve got a lot to do today.”

I brought my eyebrows together and shook my head as I scoffed. “Yes, sir.”

Sarah smiled. “Good. Good. Now, go ahead and flip the page. We’ll do that one.” This page was Odin waking up. “How long have I been here?”

“Almost three years, All-father.”

“You know who I am, Midgardian?”

“Since the moment I saw you. You vere brought here by your son, Loki.” I smiled, brightly. “He said his name was Loren, but I’m not stupid. I saw footage of ze battle viz ze Avengers. I’ve been trying to help you break out of vatever spell he put you under. Unfortunately, I don’t know much about Asgardian magic… so I was reduced to calling you 'Odin’ when the orderlies weren’t around and bringing you news of Thor… until last night. I found a Master of Mystic Arts.”

“This Master of Mystic Arts, is he who woke me?”

“Sort of. He said you were already on the way to breaking out on your own. Dr. Strange just gave you the final push.”

“Is this Strange here?”

“No, but I can take you to the Sanctum Sanctorum. If you’d allow me to guide you, All-father.” I raised my eyebrows and smiled at her, before flipping the script back closed and handed it back to Sarah.

“You did a wonderful job. I’ll show this to Kevin and the Russo Brothers and I’m sure we’re going to be giving you a call. I already got your number from Bob, so… I’ll be in touch, okay?” She said, before leaving.

I stared at Bob for a moment before taking a deep breath. “Did that just happen?”

“Yes, it did. Congratulations, y/n.”

“So, what was that about?” Jensen asked when I got to set.

I just shook my head. “Not a big deal.”

Jensen smirked. “If it’s not a big deal, then tell me.”

I looked down, blushing a bit. “I don’t wanna jinx it.”

“You’re a witch, Baby Girl. If anyone can reverse a curse, it’s you. Come on.”

I sighed and looked around. “I don’t have an agent so they had to come  _here_ to talk to me. It was a casting director… for Marvel Studios.” I said the last bit as an awed whisper. “I guess the head of Marvel Cinematic saw me and decided I was perfect for a minor character that was just written into this MCU short. The Russo Brothers need to approve me but… she said, pretty much a done deal.”

Jensen wrapped me in a tight hug and spun me around. “Holy shit! That’s amazing! We have to celebrate after work.”

I tried not to let his excitement get my hopes up, but his smile was contagious. “I haven’t signed anything yet. It’s not official.”

“Sweetheart, Marvel came all the way up here to talk to you. Big names like that don’t fly 1200 miles just to tell you 'no’. The only reason she didn’t sign you right here and now was to give the appearance of fairness to any other ladies that might be okay at the job. That part is yours.” He smiled like the sun. “Hell, I know how excited you must be. Marvel is more important to you than Supernatural. Jared and I are gonna take you for dinner and drinks tonight. We’re celebrating. Now, go wait in my trailer, unless you wanna watch us torture Alex.”

You smiled at the mention of Alex Calvert, who was not getting the torture the guy seemed to think he was. “I’ll watch a bit, but I’m still a bit jet-lagged. Might need to take a nap in your trailer.”

It wasn’t until after lunch with Jensen and Jared that I went off the Jensen’s trailer and lied down on the twin mattress in the tiny back bedroom area. I was asleep for maybe an hour when the bedroom door squeaked open and Jensen dropped to the bed beside me. I didn’t open my eyes as he lied down and wrapped his arm around my waist. He breathed in the smell of my hair and gave a small groan. “Sex or sleep?” He whispered, sliding his hand down to play with the button of my jeans.

“You got time for this, Jay?” I whispered back.

“I do  _not_.” He responded, honestly. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t wanna try.” He flicked my button open and slipped his left hand into my pants.

“You should sleep, Daddy.” I whispered, but his fingers were tapping my clit and I really didn’t care as much about his rest as I should have cared.

“They’re doing a scene with Sam and Alex. That gives us at least forty-five.”

“Jay.”

“Hey. My wife warned you that I’m a horn dog. How could I waste this opportunity to make you cum, Baby Girl?”

“But what about the rules?” I whispered as his fingers slipped lower, playing with my entrance.

“No one’s gonna catch us, there’s no cameras in here, and I’ve got a condom in my pocket.”

I reached behind me and placed my hand over his bulge, loving the groan he gave me in response to the touch. “Were you  _planning_ this, Jay?”

“Better to be prepared, right? Come on, Baby Girl.” He pulled his hand out of my pants and rolled me onto my back. Looking up at him, dressed in Dean’s clothing with his hair done in Dean style, looking down at me with lust-filled green eyes… it checked off so many of my boxes. “Forty minutes. That’s enough to get both of us off at least once.”

I nodded, grabbing my waistband and shimmying my jeans off of my legs. His hand was immediately between my legs, rubbing at my clit. He kissed me as I started to pant. “You’re gonna have to be quiet, y/n. These walls are thin, kid. You start up that whining shit, you’re gonna get us caught.”

“Jensen, I can’t stop-”

“I can gag you if you think that’s the only option.”

“I don’t think we’re there, yet. I’ll try to keep it quiet.”

“That the best you can do, Baby?” He asked, his fingers dipping into me.

“Best I can do, Jay.”

“Shit. You’re already wet. Were you dreamin’ 'bout me?”

I nodded. It wasn’t true, he just soaks me quicker than should be legal, but I thought I’d play into it a bit. “Not the first time.”

He smirked and licked his lips, pumping his fingers slowly in and out of me. “Yeah? You dream of me a lot?”

“Yeah. For fuckin’ years.” That was true. Some of my best wet dreams have been about Jensen (and Dean) and they just got hotter when I actually met him.

“Well, isn’t that interesting? How many times have you touched yourself thinkin’ of me?” His thumb started sweeping across my clit and I squeezed my eyes shut tight.

“I never thought to count. Been doing it since I was probably sixteen years old.”

“Shit.” He groaned. “Don’t take this down an underage road, kid. I already feel like a pervy old man without thinking about you fucking your fingers into your virgin cunt on thoughts of me.”

“Specifically Alec from Dark Angel.” I let myself give a little moan before biting my lip and taking a steadying breath. “Sometimes a three-way with Logan Cale.” He raised an eyebrow and I chuckled. “I wrote fanfic, Jensen. Sixteen year old y/n wrote herself into a lot of juicy situations.”

“You had a thing for Michael Weatherly?”

“Unh… uh-huh. Those eyes, man. Got a few NCIS fics somewhere, too.” I arched off the mattress and bit down hard on my lip to hold back a moan as he curled his fingers inside me. “And who says I was still a virgin at sixteen?”

“ _You_ did, sweetheart. You lost it the night before your nineteenth birthday.” I honestly cannot remember divulging that information to him, but it’s accurate so I must have at some point. He leaned down and ran the tip of his nose across my cheek. “Now, how do we keep the trailer from rocking while I split you apart with my dick?”

I took a deep breath. I don’t know how I was still thinking at that point, but I was able to articulate a plan. “Get me close, then fuck me slow.”

He chuckled in my ear, a deep, rumbling sound that gave me shivers. “Only care about you getting off, huh? Greedy.”

“You’re the one who insisted on not wasting an opportunity to make  _me_ cum, Jay. I told you to sleep, remember?”

“Yeah. All right. Still greedy.” He muttered, licking the column of my neck, as his free hand unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans. “Fortunately, Baby Girl, I get off on the sounds you make.”

“But I’m not supposed to  _make_ sounds this time, Jay.” I said, wrapping my hand around his cock as soon as it was available, his jeans and boxers sitting midway down his thighs. He moaned, loudly, his pace with his fingers stuttering as I started pumping his length. “And I think it defeats the purpose of  _my_ silence if you’re gonna moan.”

Jensen took a deep breath and let it out slowly, then pulled his hand away and dug the condom out of his pocket. I helped him roll it on, my hand covering his and letting my pinkie nail lightly scratch at the velvety skin before the condom covered it. He laid his body over mine and kissed me, lining himself up with my entrance. “I’m gonna fuckin’ destroy you when we get home.” He groaned, pushing into me. I whimpered, biting hard on my lip as he puled back a little and pushed in again. “Make you cum 'til you’re a little fuckin’ puddle.”

“Jay, I-” I started as he began to thrust into me.

“Shut up, Baby Girl. I don’t trust you to keep quiet if your mouth’s open.”

I raised my hips to meet his every thrust, biting my left hand to keep from moaning too loudly. Jensen started babbling in my ear as he got close to his orgasm, words like 'perfect’, 'gorgeous’ and 'mine’ fell from his lips and every utterance made my heart soar.

I was right on the edge of cumming when a knock sounded through the trailer. Jay kept going since he was so close, too, holding my hip with enough pressure to start hurting. “Jensen!” Jared’s voice called out. “They need us back on set, so finish your fuckin’ nap and get back before they send the fuckin’ DA after you!”

Jensen chuckled and kissed me as he started to fuck me hard and fast, a race to the finish line. I crossed just before he did, moaning into his mouth as I came hard. I was still buzzing from the aftershocks as he pulled away and quickly redressed, tossing the spent condom in the trash and spraying himself with cologne. He smiled down at me and licked his lips. “You look so damn good all fucked out.”

“Thanks.” I whispered, moving to grab my pants.

“We’ll finish this later.” He winked and walked out of the little bedroom. He looked totally energized, like he actually  _had_ taken a nap.

“I don’t know if I can keep up with him.” I said, quietly, from the other side of a cup of coffee an hour later while Jensen was getting direction from Phil and Jared was getting a short break. Jared laughed. “No, seriously, man. This every few hours thing?”

“It’s just the fucking honeymoon phase. He’ll slow down in a couple days.”

“No, I mean, I get that. When I first started fucking Nate, it was the same thing except I was the insatiable one, but… Nate gave me a lot of hangups about this shit. About a year into our relationship I stopped trying to even  _like_ it and now-”

“Y/n, Jay isn’t Nate, your hangups are bullshit and you know it, and Jay will have no problem bringing out your insatiable cockslut side.” He whispered the sentence but it still prompted me to look around wildly to ensure no one had heard.

“Is that any way to speak to a lady?” I asked as soon as I confirmed that no one was close enough to hear.

“You think you’re a lady?” Jared joked.

“I’m offended that you’d even  _imply_ that I’m not.”

“I can think of several examples of behavior that supports my stance.” I bit the inside of my cheek as he leaned close to me, whispering, “Taxi cab and trailer.” My eyes widened. Jensen had  _already_ filled Jared in? “He’s already working on your insatiable side.”

“I’m… still a lady.” I said, as Jensen waved Jared back to the set.

“A-fuckin’-right, you are.” Jared said, smirking as he walked away to join Jensen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They finished shooting at around 10 pm and we went to dinner to celebrate my Marvel meeting. Sitting at a small table with a beer in front of me and a steak on the way, we were celebrating me. A few fans showed up, asking for pictures with the guys, and they walked away from the table to get selfies with them. When they returned, they said that eventually fans would be asking for pictures with me, too. I only half disbelieved it.

Jensen had me screaming into his pillow by midnight, one hand in my hair and the other on my hip as he plowed me from behind. As I fell to the bed, exhausted, my face flushed and sweaty, he dropped next to me and pulled the condom off. “You know, I have a love-hate relationship with that position.” I said, panting. “You hit all the right places from behind, but then I don’t get to see you.”

“I completely agree. You feel so good from that angle, but I miss seein’ your face when you cum.” He said, dropping the condom into a small trash bin on his side of the bed. He leaned over and pressed his lips to mine. “Congratulations, ya big movie star.”

“I am not!” I blushed deeply and covered my face.

“ _I’ve_ never been in a movie like that.”

“I’m a nothing character and they haven’t even confirmed I got the part. Come on.”

“I’m sure you’re not a nothing character. Marvel doesn’t  _do_ nothing characters.”

“Her name’s 'Cynthia’. The only Cynthias are Dr. Doom’s mom and Molecule Person, which I’m fairly certain they wouldn’t be adding to the MCU. Also, Cynthia Glass, but they melded her character with Agent Carter and took out the Nazi double-agent angle, so-”

Jensen kissed me again. “See? You deserve to be a part of the MCU. You’re, like, a walking Marvel Encyclopedia.”

“I… it’s a dream.” I shook my head. “I’m sure they’re gonna find someone better.”

“There’s no one better.”

I pulled the blanket over us and smiled. “That’s not true.”

“Oh, shut up.” Jensen rolled his eyes as he got comfortable next to me. “You’re amazing and I don’t want to hear otherwise.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I went back to work while waiting for Marvel to call me and tell me whether I’d made the cut or not. It was in the back of my mind for a week. While I was on set, it was there. While I was trying to sleep, it was there. The only time I wasn’t thinking about whether I was going to be a Marvel actor or not was when Jay was inside of me, which was several times a day. Quickies in his trailer were a daily occurrence. He even went so far as to pull me into a supply closet at a factory where we were shooting and fucked me against the door. I learned to curb my noises, just based upon the fear of being caught.

When Marvel called to tell me I’d gotten the part, I was ecstatic. I realized that I’d actually thought they were going to tell me 'no’. They sent a lawyer with a contract and several nondisclosure agreements. Once I’d signed the NDAs, I received a call that told me about the character. 'Cynthia’ was a nurse, just like I’d assumed from the cold read. At some point, however, it was going to be revealed that she’s not actually 'Cynthia’ but 'Sinthea’, as in Sinthea Schmidt- daughter of the Red Skull kept alive and young by magic. I, of course, couldn’t tell anyone that I was a badass HYDRA villain, but I was happy in the knowledge. I didn’t know how much they were planning to do with Sin, but I knew I’d get to be in at least one scene with Tom Hiddleston and that was well worth my time. I’d get to go to a MCU premiere and, honestly, that was a dream in and of itself.

Once I got the okay from Marvel, I tweeted out a picture of the MCU logo and a ’ **GUESS WHAT?!** ’. Jensen retweeted my tweet with the added message of ’ **Did my personal Marvelpedia get some good news?** ’

I responded with a GIF of Misha nodding, excitedly. ’ **I get to be in a Marvel movie. Hopefully, I get a cool MCU death, too. Arc Reactor Explosion, anyone?** ’

“The fans are gonna be all over that one at SeaCon.” Jared said, dropping down in front of me in the makeup trailer as Jennifer did my hair. “'Cause, you know, Jensen was almost a MCU hero?”

“Yeah. He was almost Captain America and then he turned down Hawkeye. I’m totally not a MCU hero, though. Sinthea is no one special.” I was specific with my pronunciation, to keep from emphasizing the 'Sin’ in her name.

“Yeah, you keep on like you’re just a glorified extra, but I know that the casting director flew a thousand miles to get you signed for, what 3 pictures?” He smirked. “Cynthia isn’t nobody, even if you’re not allowed to tell us who she is.”

I bit my lip and tried to stop smiling. “I can’t confirm or deny.”

“Well, you better get good at denial.”

“So, how late into Saturday are you guys going to be shooting? Jensen said something about lunch and crashing my panel.”

“Pretty early Saturday morning, but we’ll drive out right after.” He leaned forward. “You anxious about being away from Jay?”

I could tell that he was making it about the sex. He’d made several of the 'cockslut’ comments over the week and he seemed to think that I was, like, addicted to sex with Jay, or something… which was  _not_ true. “Funny. It’s not like that. It’s really not like that.”

“Well, Clif will make sure we’re there in time for your Saturday panel, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah.” I said as Jennifer tapped my shoulder to let me know she was done with my hair. “I’ll see you on set.”

*********

Seattle was gorgeous, as always, and I made sure to get there early enough to see my dad’s side of the family. There were obligatory questions about how much I’m earning now that I’m a TV star (which I laughed at) and what famous folks I’d met. I went down the list but none of the names really popped for my cousins and uncles. Then came the hitting me up for a job phase, where I had to tell them that we didn’t need construction guys, we already had plenty of carpenters and set design folks and Baby had special mechanics who had been taking care of her for 13 years. Then came questions about Marvel. “Who are you playing?” “When do you start?” “What was that contract like?” I dodged those questions, giving vague answers and only really telling them that I start filming in September, in Atlanta, and the character’s name is Cynthia. “Sorry, guys. I signed so many nondisclosure agreements for Marvel that I can’t even begin to tell you about it.”

They moaned about being family and how they should be allowed to know but I just shook my head and said they’d have to watch it on the big screen like everyone else. They asked about being let into the convention. I told them I could ask but they weren’t fans, so they’d probably be bored sitting in the back of the audience. They made me give them 5 GA weekend tickets, anyway. I paid for them out of my own pocket. Then, I went to check in at the Best Western Creation had me in. By the time Rich came to retrieve me for some good ol’ Thursday night pre-con drinking with the gang, I was missing Jensen, so I texted him on the way.

_**Seriously, man. I just saw you this morning, but I already miss you.** _

It took a few minutes, we were already at the bar by the time I got a response.  ** _Damn, you can’t even go 24 hrs?_**

**_Shut up. It’s not like that._ **

**_Then what’s it like?_ **

I sighed and didn’t answer for a few minutes. I greeted the group at the bar and ordered a drink before responding.  ** _I just like being around you, J. I don’t feel quite so happy when you aren’t around. It’s like I know what happy is and I feel a dull version of it when I’m not where you are._**

**_And it’s got nothing to do with the sex?_ **

**_A little. But not totally._ **

**_I love you, too, sweetheart. Have fun tonight. I’ll see you Saturday._ **

I looked at the text for far longer than I should have, reading all sorts of things into those three words. He’d said something close to that before, but it was always something close to 'I kinda love you’ like 'You’re kinda awesome, kid’ and there was always a bit of smirk when he said it. This was the big three… all together in a row with a 'sweetheart’ added.

I decided that I was seeing things where they weren’t, that it wasn’t meant to mean anything and moved on with my night.

Friday brought con chaos and when I was on stage, I couldn’t really think about how much I missed Jensen or my daughter. I couldn’t think about anything except what was being asked of me. Which started with a question about Marvel. “Is there anything you can tell us about your Marvel role?”

“Um, not much. Unfortunately, you know, Marvel is really big on their Nondisclosure Agreements. I signed a mountain of paperwork saying that I was not going to spoil shit like Tom Holland and Mark Ruffalo do. What I can tell you is that it’s a… kinda an anthology film. Basically, short stories jammed into one long film. Most of them are going to be prequels of things Marvel’s already shown. My  _character_ … I can tell you her name is Sinthea and she is…” I chuckled. “Jared and Jensen don’t like it when I say she’s a nothing character, but really… she is just a nurse. She’s not like Claire from Daredevil, she’s just a geriatric nurse. She’s nobody…  _but_ that is not to say that I’m not ecstatic to be a part of the MCU. I would play a janitor or a bystander with no lines if it meant I got to go to that premiere.”

“Who would you  _want_ to play?” The next fan asked.

“What do you mean?”

“If you could play any comic book hero, who would you want to play?”

“Oh, okay. Uh, Jubilee was always my favorite growing up, but I think I would probably like to be Kate Bishop. I know they’re never gonna bring the other Hawkeye into the MCU, but I fuckin’ love her. I dressed up as her for Halloween last year.”

A few more generic questions passed with falsely enthusiastic answers before someone stepped up and said, “So, we’ve noticed that Jared and Jensen seem to be really friendly with you. We’ve seen a lot of set pics where they’re hanging with you and you were out to dinner with them in Vancouver the other night. Do you think there’s a reason why they took to you so much faster than they took to your coworkers?”

“I think pity, mostly.” I joked, shifting on the stool. “Um, no, I’m just… I’m really fuckin’ friendly and so are they. I was mortified to meet them and they are just these bright spots of… abnosomeness… and they saw how out of my element I  _thought_ I was and knew that I was lying to myself. They pushed me to be what I am, you know? Uh, there’s that scene, um, with Tara and Dean in the motel room-”

I was cut off when several fans whooped. “Yeah, that’s a good scene, right? Well, that was the  _first_ scene I shot with Jensen. I was sure I was gonna fuck it up, the production crew thought I was gonna fuck it up, there was a bet on how many minutes I could last without falling apart, but Jensen knew I could handle it. Somehow Jensen knew I could deal, so we ran lines together and when the camera was on us I rocked it. They’re constantly forcing me to stop lying to myself about my limitations. They know  _now_ where I came from and they know where my insecurities lie and they refuse to let me fall back down to that…  _horrible_ place.”

I sighed. “And I know someone’s wondering what horrible place I came from and I know that… I know that this is a safe place so…” I smiled, sadly. “I’ve had some bad self-esteem that was just compounded by a very bad relationship. I’m sure that some of you know exactly what I mean.”

I went into a broad explanation of how I’d been brought down by bullies in school and kept down by my ex and ended it with, “I’m always going to feel, at least a little bit, that I’m not worth this life and these friends and this family, but Jensen and Jared… they abate that a lot.”

The next question wasn’t a question, it was just a fan thanking me for sharing and asking for a hug, which I gave her and then it was time to head back to the Green Room, where Briana and Kim wrapped me in a sandwich hug.

That night’s karaoke was fun, but I was still sort of out of sorts. I put on a smile, but saying that I didn’t feel deserving of my current station only made me feel it more. When I woke up the next morning, it was to a knock on my hotel door and it was super fucking early. I checked my phone and it said 5:34. I threw my phone on the bed and grumbled as I walked to the door and opened it. “Hey, Baby Girl.” Jensen smiled down at me.

“Hey. It’s super early. What are you-”

“I couldn’t wait, kid. I heard you were sad and I thought I’d come cheer you up.” He said, pushing into the room and wrapping his arms around me.

“How’d you hear I was sad?” I asked into his chest.

“Kim, Bri  _and_ Rob texted me. Jared found video of your panel.” He pulled back and caught my eyes. “It was the shittiest shaky cell phone video but it was good enough to explain it. You doubting your worth again?”

“I don’t… Iunno.” I looked down and shrugged. “It sneaks up on me sometimes, Jay.”

“This what happens when I don’t fuck you for a couple days?” Jensen joked, trying to get me to laugh.

I pulled away from him. “This isn’t about the sex, Jensen.”

“What is it about?”

I sat on the bed and looked at the carpet below our feet. “It’s that it ever even happened, you know?”

“No, I don’t know.”

“When I look in the mirror, I don’t see what you see, Jensen. I don’t see what the fans see. I see the same ugly-ass woman who married the only guy who paid her any attention and cheated on her in high school because if he could forgive her looks then she could forgive his indiscretions.” I tried to blink away the tears, but one escaped and rolled down my jaw. “I know that I’m different, now, but I’m still… and you-”

“Lie down.”

“What?”

“Look,  y/n, you’re exhausted. I’m exhausted. This isn’t gonna get solved when we’re half out of it.” He pulled his coat off and tossed it at the dresser, then moved to unfasten his Rolex and place it safely on top of the fabric.

“What about  _your_ hotel?” I asked, scooting backwards toward the pillow as he bent down to untie his boots.

“I checked in and dropped my stuff before I came over here. Lie back down. You’ll feel better when you wake up.” He slipped under the comforter and pulled me into his arms, my head lying on his chest. “I told Adam I was planning to crash your panel tomorrow. He approved but I think it was just to avoid pissing me off.”

“The fans will like that.” I said, sleepily.

Jensen smoothed down the top of my hair and took a deep breath. “I’m not doing it for the fans. Just one.” He wrapped his arms around me and it wasn’t long before the cadence of his breathing had lulled me back to sleep.


	7. He Can't, but I can

When I woke up, I was alone. I stretched and looked around. Jensen’s watch and coat were exactly where he left them, but his boots were gone. So was my second room key. He left, but I knew he would be back, so I got up and took a shower. By the time I got out, Jensen was sitting at the little table by the window, a Burger King bag and two cups of coffee in front of him. “Croissan'wich?”

“Thanks, Jay.” I said, sitting down with just a towel wrapped around me.

“Feelin’ better?” He took a drink of his coffee and set the other cup in front of me.

I shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe. Everything’s better when you’re around.” I smiled as I took a drink of my coffee.

“Don’t give me that shit, kid.” Jensen demanded, softly. “You started to say something and I kinda shut you down this morning, but I’ve been thinking about it since I woke up. You don’t see what I see, right? That’s what you said.”

“Yeah. That’s what I said.” I muttered.

“I understand the dysmorphia.” He nodded and tossed a hash brown circle into his mouth, but his words didn’t seem understanding. “Sometimes, you look in the mirror and see what Nate made you see, but… just, do you think I’m blind or stupid in this situation, y/n, ‘cause I mean… I think you’re gorgeous. I think you’re talented and intelligent and sweet as hell. I think you’re amazing as hell, but you let some bullshit from the past-”

“God, Jay, you don’t ever feel unworthy of what you have? Of the Family, or the fans, or Danneel?”

“No, because, unlike some, I know my own worth.” He sighed and moved his chair closer to mine. “CW wouldn’t have picked you if you weren’t worthy. Marvel wouldn’t have picked you if you weren’t worthy. I wouldn’t have picked you if you weren’t worthy. The fans wouldn’t’ve spent good money for ops and autographs, written Creation en masse, begged on Twitter for Dabb not to kill your character off if you weren’t worthy. Sweetheart, you are worth the risk of having sex in my trailer even though we might get caught. And I don’t wanna make this all about sex, because it’s not. You were my friend before I got you to sign up for mistress duty, but… shit, if you weren’t worthy of every damn thing your heart desires, I wouldn’t be so addicted to you.”

I wanted to apologize in that moment. I’d upset him by being upset and I wanted to make it better, but I also realized how fucked it was for me to want to apologize for feeling some way. “Why are you mad? You don’t act like this when Jared’s feeling low.”

“Because I’m frustrated! If I can’t make you feel good about yourself, I’m a failure.”

“It’s not your  _job_ to make me feel better about myself.”

“Like hell, it’s not.” He growled. “Even if you weren’t my girl, you’re my friend and you deserve better than feeling like this.”

“You’re right! But getting mad isn’t going to change that I feel crappy, Jay. What I need, right now, is for you to stop growling at me.”

His expression softened and he looked exasperated with himself. “I’m so sorry, Baby Girl. With Jared, I know how to help, but-”

“I’m not Jared. I know.” I smiled at him and took a small bite of Croissan'wich. “I want to feel better, Jay, and sleeping in your arms helped, but… I just-”

He leaned over and grasped my waist, hauling me from my chair into his lap, and I had to readjust the towel so that I didn’t end up sitting naked on his thighs. “How do I help you, y/n?” He asked, kissing my shoulder.

I gave a little sigh at the feeling. “That’s a nice start.” I shifted in his lap and put my arm around his neck. “You just being here is a lot of help, Jensen. I wasn’t lying when I said everything’s better when you’re around.”

“Yeah, but give me something to  _do_.”

“Well, after I eat the food you brought me, you could give me a massage. Haven’t had a back massage in years.” I smiled at him and he pulled me back to kiss me. It was sweet, almost chaste. The first nonsexual kiss we shared since that night at Jaxcon. I ate my breakfast, he gave me a back massage, and then he went to his hotel and I started to get ready for the day.

I didn’t see Jensen when I got to the con hotel, even though he promised he’d be there. I assumed he was still getting ready, so I went to my panel. There were a few questions about my favorite part of working for the show, and my favorite scene, and then someone got up and asked, “Do you think Tara’s going to end up a love interest on the show and do you  _want_ her to be?”

I chuckled. “Okay, so there’s aspects to this. I’ll start by telling you that half the writers want that and the other half have been railing against it since the character was conceived. As for me, I think Dean  _needs_ a love interest like Tara. She’s someone who knows him, all the different parts of him, all the dark spots and perceived deficiencies, all of his past and the reasons for the things he does… and she wants him anyway. Add to that the fact that he won’t have to constantly worry about her, and she’s perfect. She’s strong and powerful and a  _good_ woman. She’s not like Lisa, who wanted him to be something he wasn’t. Or Cassie who thought he was crazy until she was in danger. She’d be an asset to his life, not a drain on it.” I licked my lips and shrugged. “That said, I know that being a Winchester love interest is like a death sentence for a character. Either you never get heard from again or you die or Castiel pulls a Donna Noble on your memory so I’m conflicted. Is it worth losing the job to be able to go home on the high note of 'I got to kiss Jensen Ackles’?”

“Yes!” The audience yelled.

I laughed. “Okay, but if I got to kiss Jensen, you guys would hate me after. I like that you guys like me.”

“Don’t you think this is a conversation I should be a part of?” Jensen’s voice came over the speakers and a murmur went through the crowd. They were trying to determine whether it was him when he walked out of the curtain. The crowd erupted and he waved and smiled, taking the chair from the back of the stage and pulling it next to mine. “Hope you don’t mind me crashing.” He said, like it wasn’t planned a week in advance.

“Well, gosh, Jensen, were your ears burning?”

“Uh, of course.  _You_ were talking.” He smirked. “Anyway, I came out here to answer a question. It was, what, is Tara going to be a love interest and do we want her to be? Yes.” He said, simply.

I looked at him, pointedly for a moment. “You gonna elaborate, Ackles?”

“Does that  _need_ elaboration? Okay. Yes, we want her to be. Dean needs her. I know you guys don’t like it when Sam and Dean have girlfriends, but… This witch that just shoved her way into their lives, she is exactly what Dean needs, and Tara needs him. You’ll see, what, next week is  _Season of the Witch_ , right? That’s where we learn Tara’s backstory. Can’t go too deep into it, but it definitely… it’s gonna explain why she’s so drawn to Dean and you’re going to understand what I mean when I say they, uh, they need each other. And if the writers don’t… come to a consensus soon, I say we riot.”

“Don’t say that, they might actually riot, Jensen.”

He chuckled and smiled at me. “What can you tell these good people about Tara’s backstory?”

“Um, barely more than zilch.” I looked at Jay with a bit of exasperation. “Um, she’s an orphan. She’s been doing magic since right after her parents died. She’s super jealous of the bloodline witches she’s teaching because she had to fight and claw to get the power she has, she didn’t have  _any_ natural ability. It’s like she said, you know, she just wants some control over her life and I think… she recognizes that trait in Dean. I wish I could say more, but I can’t. You’ll just have to wait for Thursday.”

I could see their wheels turning, but they were never going to figure out her backstory. I never would have thought that this random witch’s parents were killed by a werewolf that was killed by John Winchester before it had a chance to off the little girl hiding in the closet. The fact that John saved her, put her in the backseat of the Impala with a fourteen year old Dean, who took the seven year old in his arms and told her that everything was going to be okay, that he’d lost his mom at a young age and he’s doing just fine.

Of course, things for Tara were never more fine than they were for Dean. She got bounced from foster home to foster home until Olivette took notice of her, decided that if she didn’t take the girl in and make her a witch, the rage in her would make her into a hunter like “the boy in the brown jacket” she was so obsessed with… and never stopped being obsessed with. Even though she was a witch, Tara followed Dean’s legacy, kept tabs on him through the years, and more than once she’d found him in bars and watched from a corner as he worked his charm on women too weak to resist… not that they should want to.

This is revealed at the beginning of the episode, when Dean flirts back for the first time and Tara immediately shuts him down with a cold look and a “I’m not the kind of girl Dean Winchester takes to bed. Let me get back to you when I lose fifty pounds” to which he responds “How do you know what kind of women end up in my bed?” and then he accuses her of being a stalker when she answers honestly.

It was shot before the hiatus, so there’s some real 'This gorgeous man I’m in love with will never really look at me the way I look at him’ in my performance… which was hard to replicate in the episodes after I got back to Vancouver, but I think I’ve mostly managed it.

“What killed Tara’s parents?” The next question asked.

“Car accident.” I lied, easily.

“Can I ask Jensen a question?” The next fan asked, and I could see the Creation volunteer give her an exasperated look.

“Nope.” Jensen shut her down quickly. “I am not here. So, if any of you are lined up to ask me questions, sit back down and put your name in for Sunday. This is y/n’s panel. I’m just here to give my roommate moral support 'cause she got all teary on you guys, yesterday.”

I gave him my very best bitch face. “You realize what you just said?”

“Yeah. What, you think they weren’t gonna find out you’re staying on my airbed, kid?”

“I kinda figured it’d be  _after_ I got done mooching off of you that we’d tell folks, man. You know that the rest of the questions are gonna be  _about_ you, now, right? Like, you’ve completely hijacked my panel, dude.” I acted offended, but this was planned a week ago, too. We figured that people would find out and if we weren’t hiding it, it wouldn’t seem like something hinky.

“Oh, deal with it.” He rolled his eyes and I couldn’t help the smile.

“Okay, since I can’t ask my question to Jensen, how are you his roommate? Like, how did that happen?”

“So, there’s this really nasty motel in Vancouver, which I will not name.” I started, leaning forward to look past Jensen to the fan. “They like to set up guest stars there. I think it’s so that we’ll get frustrated and go get our own room which we’ll pay for out of pocket, but whatever. I couldn’t afford a different place to stay. I had no money when I came to Vancouver and I don’t really have a lot now. So, I endured this place. I adapted to the horribleness, mostly, and I didn’t complain on it, but the place was bad. There were bed bugs and roaches, nothing was ever clean. I slept in the bathtub to avoid the bloodsuckers, it was that bad. Jensen gave me a ride to the motel once, noticed the condition I was forced to exist in and took pity on me. He said, 'I got an air mattress you can throw down on the floor of my gym. It’s gotta be better than this’, which was the truest sentence ever spoken. When I went back up there after Jaxcon, he took me in like a stray dog.”

Jensen reached over and patted my head. “Good doggy.”

“I will bite you if you pet me again.” I warned.

“Literally the hand that feeds you.” He shot back.

“ _I_  cook, not you.”

“Yeah, but I buy the food.”

“You  _pay_ for the food.” I corrected. “I do the shopping.”

“Yeah, well… you leave wet towels on the bathroom floor.” He retorted.

“One time! That was  _one_ time!” I rolled my eyes and sighed. “Thank you for your question. Next!” I turned to the other side of the auditorium.

“What’s Jensen like as a roommate?”

“Living with Jensen is kinda like- it reminds me of when I used to spend Christmas break with my grandparents.” Jay’s eyes widened in an 'I can’t believe you just said that’ look. “You know, there’s golf paraphernalia around everywhere and no music from the past three decades, the TV volume’s always on, like, 50 'cause he can’t hear. You know, stuff like that.”

Jensen just nodded and licked his lips. “Yeah, okay. You and me, kid, we’re gonna have a conversation.”

“Just remember, I’m technically living there so you’d have to go through a civil court eviction process to get rid of me.” I smiled as Louden Swain started to come on stage. “One more question.”

“Are you gonna sing at the SNS?”

“No, she’s not. She’s got family in from Puyallup so she’s skipping out on the concert. And, no, I’m not gonna sing tonight, either. 'cause I’m not here.” Jensen answered for me. I raised an eyebrow at him. I wasn’t planning to do anything else with the fam, but obviously, I was wrong. Or, at least, Jensen wanted the fans to think I had a reason to not be at the concert. I stood, waved at the audience and walked backstage. Jensen did the same. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and leaned down next to my ear. “You just had to go the old man route, huh?”

“You call me a dog, I’m gonna retaliate, man, and nothing I said was untrue. Just exaggerated.”

“Yeah, well, you’re gonna pay for that tonight, Baby Girl.”

“Oh? How’s that, Jay?” I whispered back.

“Baby Girl needs a spanking for being so disrespectful.”

I stopped in my tracks and he turned to me. “What?”

He raised an eyebrow. “'less you’ve got a problem with it. Thought we might do something a bit different, but-”

“No, I don’t have a problem, I’ve just never done that. Nate always refused, so-”

“Baby, I’ve been dancing around asking for weeks. You shoulda said you were interested.” He smirked and put his arm around my shoulder again. “Don’t worry. I’ll go easy on you.”

He  _started_ easy, but it didn’t take long for him to realize how much I liked it and progress to his belt. My ass was red and welted by the time he got done messing around and started fucking me. As we fell to mattress, sweaty and spent, I winced. “That cannot be an everyday thing, Jay. Oh, I have a long-ass car ride tomorrow and I don’t know if I can sit for that long, now.”

He laughed. “Sorry. Went a little… rougher than I wanted. You just… you made that little whimper noise every time I spanked you, I had to get the belt going.” He sat up and looked down at me. “You hungry? You wanna watch a movie or something?”

I bit my lip and shook my head. “No. I’m fine, Jensen. I promise. I’m feeling a million times better.”

“All right. I gotta head back to my hotel room, y/n, but I’ll try to get here in the morning before you have to drive back.” He hopped out of bed and got dressed, but I just tucked the blanket around me and watched him get dressed. He leaned over me and gave me another one of those chaste kisses that made my heart beat faster. “Good night, Baby Girl. I love you.” He said, caressing my cheek with the pad of his thumb before he walked away, leaving me staring after him, wide-eyed.

~~~~~~~~~~

“You can’t.” I said as he helped me carry my bag down to my rental car early the next morning.

“Can’t what?” He asked, tossing it into the back seat.

“You said you love me. Twice. You texted it to me and then you-you said it last night.”

His eyes shined with amusement as he smiled and turned to me. “I can’t say that?”

“You can’t  _feel_ that.” I shook my head. “Jensen, you’re married.” I whispered.

“No shit.” He said, smirking as he leaned against the side of the car. “That hasn’t stopped us, yet.”

“That’s sex, Jay. What you’re saying-”

“Is 'I love you’. I’m saying that I, Jensen Ross Ackles, love you, y/f/n y/m/n y/l/n. I fuckin’ love you.” He licked his lips, that smirk going absolutely nowhere.

“But what about Danneel?” I asked.

“Gorgeous, brilliant woman, great love of my life, mother of my kids, there’s no one I’d rather have as my wife, but not the only one I could  _ever_ love.” He chuckled. “You know, I was waiting for you to slip up and say those three little words first, but you didn’t. You don’t love me back?”

I can only imagine that I looked dumbfounded as I looked up at him. “I-I… bad things happen when the mistress falls in love, Jay. I’ve been trying to…”

“When it’s me and you behind closed doors, kid, you’re the love of my life, remember?”

“I didn’t think you’d-”

“I know, kid, but when I’m with you, Danneel doesn’t exist, and I love you.”

“And when you go home?”

He took a deep breath and sighed, loudly, a bit of the amusement fading from his eyes. “Yeah, that’s getting into difficult territory because I love her and JJ and Arrow and Zeppelin but… whenever I’m with her, I’m thinking about you.”

“Jay…” I looked down. “I didn’t ever want to disrupt your-”

“You aren’t disruptive and I’m holding my shit together but I just… I needed to tell you. Even if you won’t say it back.” He smirked at me.

“Of  _course_ I love you, Jensen. I pretty much said that Thursday, didn’t I?”

He smirked. “I’d kiss you but we’re out in the open and anybody could see. I’ll see you when I get home. It’s gonna be a late one. You gonna be waiting?”

“Call me before you guys start driving. I’ll make coffee and a midnight snack.”

“All right. I love you, kid.”

“I love you, too, Jay.” I said, getting in the car and driving away as he waved in the mirror.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What Jensen and I had was unconventional, that’s for sure, but it was better than anything I’d ever had. Not that I’d had a lot up to that point, but whatever. It worked for what it was and I was happy to have it.

At the end of August, Creation had us in Texas. A one-off convention in San Antonio, which was great for Jensen and Jared because they got to hang with their families after the con, before they had to fly back to Vancouver. I considered having my parents drive Nova out to see me, it is only an eleven hour drive, but I decided that it would be a distraction to have her at the con… and Sebastian Roche was gonna be there and that man is so not kid appropriate.

Jensen got me a room in his hotel for San Antonio. People in Texas know him. San Antonio is, literally, an hour from home. People would notice him sneaking into a two-star hotel when he’s blatantly not staying there. It’d be a lot more inconspicuous to walk down a hallway and knock on a door. “You’re staying in a hotel when you’re an hour from home? That’s not inconspicuous at all.” I said as I ushered him into my room.

“Dee understands. Wouldn’t want the crazies to follow me home, you know.”

“Uh-huh. It has nothing to do with the fact that I’m going home after this con and you’re going back to Vancouver alone, then?”

“Hey, if I needed to get some, I’ve got a wife an hour away.” Jensen joked, but he pushed me to the bed. “You know, I honestly think she enjoys the fact that I’m not destructively horny every time I come home. I don’t have to take out weeks of sexual tension on her.” He laid his body over mine and I relished the weight of him.

“Oh, I see.” I breathed as he kissed my neck. “What are you gonna do when I’m in Atlanta?”

“I don’t wanna talk about that, Baby Girl.” Jensen said, pulling my hands over my head and kissing his way across my cleavage. I sighed and my eyes fluttered closed as he started to pull my shorts off and slid down my body. “I just wanna make you shake and shiver and scream for me. I’m gonna make you cum as many times as I can. Every time we got a free moment, you’re gonna be gettin’ split in half.”

“Jensen… you’ve got a full day of panels and ops and-”

“And lunch and dinner and quickies whenever I want to sink into your wet pussy.” He looked up at me from between my legs and pressed his lips to the inside of my thigh. “I gotta get my fill of you, babe, before you go home.” He hooked my legs over his shoulders and ran his tongue across the juncture of my leg and hip. I could tell this was going to be one of those events where Jay just wouldn’t stop until he had to.

“Jay, I’ve got… I’ve gotta get ready for the-”

“Baby Girl, by the time you get back to the con, you’re gonna need help walking.” He said, which might sound like sexy talk, but it was true. He spent almost an hour and a half with his mouth attached to my pussy, tongue and fingers fucking me as his teeth and lips massaged my clit. I could barely stand when he finally let me off of the bed. “I’ll never get over how good you look all fucked out.”

“Thanks, Ackles. Now, where’re my shorts?”

“What, you’re not gonna return the favor, y/n?”

“I thought you wanted me to scream and shiver, not you. Besides, I gotta be back at the con for SNS in…” I checked the clock. “…forty minutes, and my makeup is a mess.”

“After, then?”

“Yes, of course.”

“And tomorrow?”

“So long as you can guarantee we won’t be caught while we have our fun.”

“Yeah. I’ll find somewhere.” He promised.

But he didn’t. He couldn’t find anywhere that was secure and out of the way while also being able to do what we needed without anyone seeing, so by the time J2 got done and Jensen made it to my hotel room, he was ridiculously strung out and horny. I helped him out with that as soon as I got him into my hotel room, dropping to my knees and pulling his jeans down his thighs and taking his dick in my mouth. His grunts and groans and the way his hands twisted in my hair as his hard cock slid in and out of my mouth, tongue rolling around his smooth head, they just spurred me on. When he came down my throat I swallowed it all down and smiled at him.

“Been thinkin’ 'bout you doin’ that all day. Gimme a few minutes and we’ll-”

“Why don’t we cuddle, Jensen?” I helped him pull his jeans back up his legs and smiled up at him. “Like it or not, I’m leaving soon, Jay, and you’re gonna get to have cuddles with your wife, but I’m not gonna get  _any_ cuddles 'til the writers decide what they wanna do with Tara… if they wanna do anything with her.”

“They’re not gonna drop you, sweetheart.”

“I don’t know if you realized, Jensen, but Tara’s still not a love interest. They still haven’t decided to do anything bigger with her.” I sighed. “Anyway, come on, let’s get in as much cuddle time as we can.” We got on my bed and he wrapped me in his arms. I lied in his arms and smiled, happily. “You are amazing, you know that?”

“Of course, I do. You know you are, too, right?” He reminded me. I scoffed. “No, seriously. Tomorrow, I wanna take you out. J-pad and I wanna show you around.”

“What about… the rules?”

“You think I can’t keep my hands to myself for a few hours? I can control myself. I do it on set all the time.” He kissed the tip of my nose. “Come on. You know you wanna see San Jac and my house. Danneel has been dying to meet you in person, especially the last few months. And JJ and the twins, obviously.”

I swallowed. “I… I mean, I’m all for seeing Jared’s bar, but… I’m really nervous about meeting your family. I mean…”

“I get it. You don’t have to. I know you are prone to awkwardness.” He kissed the top of my head. “But Dee and the kids are great. Maybe it’d be less awkward if Gen and Tom, Shep and Odette were around. We could do lunch. Think you could handle that? Six screaming kids, a giant, a dwarf-”

“And both of the women you’re sticking your dick in. Oh, yeah. That sounds lovely.” I smiled and shook my head. “Yeah, fine. I’ll do lunch. But if I get overwhelmed, I’m just gonna bounce, okay?”

“Good enough for me.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a crowd when we went to leave the hotel. Of course, they were there for Jensen, only one of them asking me to sign their shirt, so I patted his back and headed toward the SUV, where Clif stood. “Y/n!” A familiar voice caught my attention in the group on the opposite side of where Jensen was signing autographs and I tensed before turning to the long-haired man on the sidelines. I plastered a fake smile on my face and walked over.

“Nate. What are you doing in Texas?”

“Well, I happened to be visiting my Dad when I saw you were doing one of your conventions right here in San Antonio. Tried to get a ticket, but they charge a  _lot_  of money just to be in the same room with you guys.”

“Well, it’s a fandom that grows in popularity every year, as does airfare, hotel costs, gas and security.”

Nate chuckled. “Yeah, okay, but where do they get off charging $40 for a picture with  _you_?”

I scoffed. “Well, those are Chris’ prices, not mine. Schmelke is a professional photographer, his work doesn’t come cheap.”

He shrugged. “I just think it’s kinda crazy that they think people would pay that much. I mean, you’re a brand new actor, character probably isn’t going to last. $40 is a lot considering I’ve got a folder on my computer full of pictures with you that were free.”

“Like I said, Chris is-”

“Hey, who’s this, y/n/n?” Jensen’s voice and the large hand suddenly resting between my shoulder blades calmed me and I smiled at him as he stepped up next to me.

“Jensen, this is my ex-husband, Nate.”

“Innit he supposed to be in Florida?” I started to remind Jensen that Nate’s father lived in San Antone but he continued, glaring slightly. “Did you finally decide to abandon yer kid and run away to Texas like yer Daddy did?” My eyes grew huge.

“Oh, I’m sorry. That was rude, wasn’t it? Let me try again.” Jensen put a dazzling smile on his face. “How’s the new wife?”

Nate looked flustered as he stammered. “Uh, she-she’s-”

“Nothing compared to the one you cheated on and left.” Jensen’s voice went dark, almost down to Dean gravel.

“I didn’t cheat-”

“Oh, please. This brilliant woman figured it out before you even left, but she’s loyal, so she was going to let you stay. You walked, like an  _idiot_ , and now that she’s making something of herself, you wanna slither back into her life?” I bit my lip to kill the thrill of being called 'brilliant’. “I didn’t hear a word you said before I walked up, but let me take a wild stab that you started with a smile, then immediately broke into trying to make her feel bad about herself.”

“Wha- no!” Nate shouted, indignantly.

I shook my head and licked my lips. “'Where do they get off charging $40 for a photo op? You’re an unknown actor and your character’s gonna die, anyway?’ I had 70 ops this weekend, BTW, just solos. Not counting the ones with Ruthie.”

“No, I wasn’t trying to-”

“You were trying to bring her down without her noticing, just like you used to, so she’d be more susceptible to you, but this amazing chick, she’s part of the Supernatural Family now and we’ve got each other’s backs.” Jensen’s hands were suddenly squeezing my shoulders.

Nate’s face turned red. “I’m filing for custody.” He blurted out. My face fell and Jensen’s thumb swept across my shoulder blade. “You’re always in Canada or traveling for conventions. I hear you’re about to be doing something with Marvel. Your parents  _always_ have her. I mean, she… do you even know what her daily life is like, anymore?”

I looked at my watch. “She’s at school right now. She just got done with lunch, she’s about to go to P.E.” I shook my head. “But I don’t have to prove anything to you. I’m a better parent two thousand miles away than you were when you lived in the same house as her. So, you wanna start a custody fight with me based on my job? Okay. Bring it on.”

“Rob’s wife is a lawyer. She probably knows some kickass Family Law attorneys.” Jensen mentioned as he started pushing me toward the SUV. “Nice meetin’ you, Junkless.” He called, making me giggle as I climbed into the back seat. Jensen smiled at me as he pulled the door shut. “Was that too subtle? Should I just have called him 'pencil dick’ to alleviate any questions about my intent?”

I chuckled. “I’d kiss you right now if the tint on these windows was darker.”

“Plenty of time for that later.”

“No, seriously. Thank you.”

“Ah, I’ve wanted to call him 'Dickless’ to his face for months.”

I looked at my lap. “No, Jay. I mean, it was working.”

“What?”

“His gaslighting bullshit, making me doubt myself. Until you walked up and reminded me of who I am now… the Family.” I smiled, softly. “The fact that such an amazing man has my back.”

“And your front and your…”

“Jensen, I’m trying to be serious.”

He looked down before casting a look a Clif. Clif knew. He  _had_  to. There was no one more present in your lives, except maybe Jared. Clif would never mention it, though. He was a good man and a good bodyguard and he definitely knows where his bread is buttered. “Look, y/n. You’re amazing and that’s why I picked you. Your awesomeness is nothing to do with me. The fans don’t pay $40 for an op with you just 'cause you’re… mine. They do it because they recognize that big stuff is happening for you and they want in on the ground floor of your fandom.”

I smiled. “Thanks.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Ready?” Jensen asked as Clif pulled into the Austin steakhouse he’d picked for the lunch.

“Sure. So, uh, how’s the seating gonna go? 'Cause I’m the only odd wheel. Unless Clif’s eating with us.” I kinda begged in my head for him to say 'yes’.

“Nope. I’m taking a nap.”

“Great.”

“Don’t worry. It’s just your friends’ families, okay? Just act like you aren’t fucking me. Gen doesn’t know, so no one’s gonna bring it up in front of anybody. It’s only awkward if you make it awkward.”

“I’m sorry. Please check who you’re talkin’ to. Queen of Awkward.” I pointed to myself.

“Oh, deal with it.” Jensen pulled me out of the SUV and walked me into the restaurant. Jared, Genevieve and their three kids were already sitting at the table, but the adults stood as we approached. “Good morning.” Jensen greeted with a bright smile that Gen and Jared returned.

Gen was taller than me, which surprised me. “Aw, she’s not as short as you said.” Gen said, smiling at me as opened her arms for a hug. I accepted her hug and move to sit at the side of the table. Jensen sat next to me and Jared sat across from him, with Gen next to him and the kids sitting next to her.

“Ah. Short jokes. That’s par for the course, huh?”

“Definitely. I mean, with these two…” She gestured to the guys.

“Everybody’s short. Yeah.” I smiled.

“So, you have really made an impression on these guys. They don’t normally hang outside of Vancouver with other cast.”

I smiled and ordered a sweet tea when the waiter came by. When the door opened and Danneel walked in, pushing the twins in a double stroller with JJ following beside her, Jensen immediately stood, wrapping her in his arms and kissing her passionately. He picked JJ up and carried her to the table and I fought the urge to hide by standing up and pulling out Danneel’s chair for her. “Thank you! It’s so nice to finally meet you in person!”

“Likewise. I’ve been a fan since 10 Inch Hero, which I definitely didn’t watch just because Jensen and Sean Patrick Flannery were in it.” I said with a smile.

“Ooh, you like Sean? Boondock Saints?”

“Definitely.” I smirked. “Fake Irish or not, those accents get me every time.” Okay. This was easier than I expected. She’s nice. She wasn’t looking at me like she was imagining her husband fucking me every night when he’s away from her.

But then we went to a park with the kids and I couldn’t help missing Nova, whom my ex seemed determined to take away from me. I sat on a bench, watching Jared, Jensen and Gen run around with the kids and Danneel sat next to me. “Well, this isn’t as awkward as I was expecting.” She said, her eyes on her kids.

“Yeah. It seems like it should be weirder for the wife and the girlfriend to meet.”

“You’re not his girlfriend, sweetie.” She gave a small smile. “You’re just his sex toy.”

My throat went dry at that, and an ache of rage started up in my lungs, but I just swallowed and nodded. “You’re right. Barely better than a FleshLight.” I licked my lips and stood. “I’m gonna go call my daughter.”

Jensen found me twenty minutes later sitting on a swing, kicking up dirt as I held onto the chains until they dug into my hands. “Hey. Why you over here by yourself?”

“Just waiting on my Uber to show up.”

Jensen dropped onto the swing next to me and sighed. “Overwhelmed?”

“Yeah.” I lied. “And I miss my Supernova.”

“You want me to come with you?”

I shook my head. “No. You don’t get enough time with your family, Jay. You should stay.”

“Yeah, but I’m not gonna get to see you until Atlanta Con. That’s three weeks, and then I won’t get to see you until you’re done with Marvel.”

“You should stay with your family, Jensen.” I insisted.

He looked down. “What’d she say?”

“What do you mean?” I took a deep breath.

“What did Danneel say to you?”

“Nothing untrue.” I responded. I looked over at him. “It’s okay. I promise.”

“No, it’s not. She’s noticed things are different between me an’ her. I think she blames you.” He turned to me, twisting the swing around. “But it’s not your fault. What did she say?”

“She said I’m not your girlfriend, I’m your sex toy.” I said, quietly. I took another deep breath, trying to breathe out the anger and sadness in my chest. “It’s not a lie, Jensen. She’s not wrong. The whole point of our relationship was the physical, right? I’m just supposed to be helping you blow off sexual steam.”

There was silence for a moment as he licked his lips and nodded. “You’re right.  _She’s_ right. You’re my friend and I love you, but you’re not my girlfriend. We’re not dating. I’m married and you are free to do whatever you want, Baby Girl.”

“Well, I want to go home.” I sighed and stood. “I love you, Jensen, I do, but… you need to be with your family and I need to be with mine.”

Jensen bit his lip and stood, too. “I understand. You still gonna text me, though, right, Baby Girl? And call every night like we planned?”

“Of course. You know I got nobody else.”

“For now.” He wrapped his arms around me and I sighed into his chest. “But someday, you’re gonna catch someone’s eye and you’re gonna leave this old man in the dust.”

“I’m sure.” I said, sarcastically.

He pulled back and looked into my eyes. “I don’t know if I’ve told you lately, kid, but you’re pretty fucking awesome. Anybody’d be lucky to have you look at them the way you look at me.”

“Tell that to Nate.”

“Didn’t I?” He said, smiling.

I chuckled, even though I really didn’t want to. “Yeah, I guess you did. Thanks, Jay. I’ll call when I make it home.”

He pulled me close and held me tight to him as my phone went off to tell me my Uber was arriving. “I love you, y/n.” He whispered.

“I love you, too, Jensen. Now, go. I gotta get home.”

I waved to everyone and smiled as I got in the car, but as soon as I was alone, I slumped in the seat. The reality of the situation I got myself into was apparent. Jensen and I were in love, Danneel could tell that it wasn’t just sex anymore and was trying to maintain her position in life. She helped pick me, though! It was her idea as much as it was his! But the problem, more so than the fact that she was trying to chase me away or hurt me to the point that I could see only the sex again, was the fact that she was right… and I was right at SeaCon.

Jensen can’t love me, because Jensen  _has_ to love her. Jensen can’t love me because he loves those babies and doesn’t want them to grow up in two homes like Nova has, and I can’t let him love me because I can’t be a homewrecker. I refuse.

_I_  can love  _him_ , sure, and I can let him be my friend with benefits, but I can’t let him ruin his everything by loving me.

As I checked out of my hotel and headed for the airport, I made the decision, that hard and heart-wrenching decision, to pull back again. To pull away until I could get my emotions in check, until Jensen could get his emotions in check. To spend the three weeks before ATLcon trying to make it all about the sex again. No strings. Casual. Heartbreaking. Sex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't let that ending get you down! There's a sequel! Keep a lookout for Something More, coming soon!


End file.
